Newest jokes - Page 550

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, ruмр, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

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Error, no keyboard.
Press F1 to continue.

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

A man was in a bar one evening, when a drunк wandered over, shouting at the man "I pulled your mum just now!" the sober man just ignored him and carried on drinking.
About half an hour later the drunк wandered over again.
This time he said: "Your mum just gave me a BJ and swallowed" again the man ignored and carried on talking to his mates.
Soon the very drunк man wandered over and shouted at the poor man: "I just fuскеd your mum, using every posistion possible."
Eventally the man bored of this idiот, turned around and said "Go home dad, you're drunк."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dad Jokes

Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

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Parent Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Communication Jokes

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.
The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.
At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).
The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.
The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

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Police Officer Jokes Military Jokes Communication Jokes

While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sports Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Why is Facebook like Jail?
"You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know!"

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Facebook Jokes History Jokes

75% of women do not eat after 6... shots.

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes

Officer: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law."
Driver: "Тiтs"

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Boob Jokes

Two nuns are walking back to the convent at night when two men push them into a dark alley and start having sеx with them.
One nun says "God, forgive them for they know not what they are doing!"
The second nun says "Speak for yours! Mine is a Master!"

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Sex Jokes Religion jokes God Jokes Dirty jokes Communication Jokes

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

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Military Jokes Car and driving jokes

Boss: "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?"
Me: "That it's only Wednesday."

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Office and Work Jokes Life Jokes Boss Jokes

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and РООF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and РООF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sеx with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"

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Sex Jokes Money jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Genie jokes Ugly Jokes

Children brought up on a farm are often quite precocious.
A nun gave a lecture on the facts of life to the combined classes one day.
She thought the tiny tots would hardly know what her talk was all about so she left them in the classroom.
After a while she noticed little five year old Johnnie whispering with a little four year old Jane and she asked Johnnie what was the meaning of their whispering.
Johnnie stood up and asked, "Please sister, can a woman of four have a baby?"
"Of course not," answered the sister, quite flustered.
Johnnie turned to the little girl beside him and said, "Didn’t I tell you, you had nothing to worry about."

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Kids Jokes Jokes about Women

Mother: What did you learn in school today?
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!

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School Jokes

Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard . Does any one know what that is?
"Yes," says Tommy.
"My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes School Jokes

A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun.
He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared the man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a bl*wjob!"
"Anything!" cries Banta, "Just don't shoot!"
The man starts to вlоw the crook.
As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun.
Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, dамn it! Somebody might walk in!"

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Money jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.

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Nationality Jokes God Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a n*dist camp?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office complaining about aches and pains in whichever part of her body she happened to touch.
The doctor looked at her completely puzzled, wondering what on earth could be wrong with such a young, vibrant-looking woman. 'Impossible!' he cried. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, and then she pushed her elbow, screaming even more. She pushed her knee, screaming yet again, and then she pushed her ankle, doing the same.
Appearing pensive for a few moments, the doctor suddenly had a great idea about what might be causing the problem. He asked, 'You’re not really a redhead, are you?
Seeming surprised at the question, the woman was at a loss as to why the doctor might be asking her this.
'Well no,' she replied, 'I'm actually a blonde. I got this new dye job because I was fed up of everyone thinking I’m some airhead… but what does that have to do with anything?'
'Ah – I thought you might be a blonde,' said the doctor while trying not to laugh.
'You don’t have aches and pains all over your body. The pain you’re feeling is because your finger is broken.'

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Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

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