Latest Jokes

My wife only has sеx with me for a purpose. Last night she used meto time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, andjust as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did yousee the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sеxy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." Iwent over. Nobody was home!
A hоокеr once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sеx life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That'swhen you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comesoff.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sexoffenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped myMother.
I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this-before? I said yes. He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested formooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, nакеd. I asked"Why?".He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sеxy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sеx; she called me from Chicago last night.
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Washington state attorney season and bag limits 1300.
01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use сосаinе, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gаy bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, рiмр, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, воокiе, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1.Yellow Bellied Sidewinder2
2.Two-faced Tort Feasor3
3.Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator5
4.Big-mouthed Pub Gut2
5.Honest AttorneyEXTINCT
6.Cut-throat2
7.Back-stabbing Whiner2
8.Brown-nosed Judge Kisser2
9.Silver-tongued Drug Defender$100 bounty
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I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it.
On a Sears hairdryer --" Do not use while sleeping."
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos-- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer BreadPudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning:May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or gеniтаls."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Mujeres difíciles de encontrar Ще се развеждам с жената. Вече шести месец не ми говори. Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says: — Pai, vou me divorciar. Tem seis meses que minha mulher não fala comigo.,O pai fica em silêncio, bebe um gole de cerveja e diz:,— Pense bem, meu filho. Mulher assim é difícil de arranjar. - Ще се развеждам. Вече шест месеца жена ми не ми говори. - Ти си луд! Къде ще намериш друга такава жена? - Микола, ти знаєш, я розводжуся із дружиною. Вона вже шість місяців із мною не розмовляє. - Ну, що ти, Іван, одумайся! Де ти ще знайдеш таку дружину? Un tipo le dice a su abogado: - Quiero divorciarme. Mi esposa no me ha hablado en seis meses. El abogado le responde: - ¿Está usted seguro? ¡Esposas así no se consiguen fácilmente! Två män i Norrland sitter och pimplar och filosoferar på riktiga mäns vis och dricker öl. Efter att ha suttit stilla i några timmar så säger Jim till Tommy: – Hörrudu Tommy, jag tror att jag vill... Twee vrienden zitten in het caf?n drinken gezellig een biertje. Zegt Karel ineens: " Ik geloof dat ik van mijn vrouw ga scheiden." "Waarom?" vraagt Jan. "Wel, het is nu al bijna drie maanden dat... Разговараат Трпе и Цветко: - Морам да се разведам. Жена ми два месеци не ми зборува! - Треба да размислиш. Ретко се наоѓа таква жена... Twee mannen zijn lekker rustig aan het vissen met een paar biertjes erbij. Zachtjes, om de vissen niet af te schrikken, zegt Bob: “Ik denk dat ik ga scheiden van mijn vrouw. Ze heeft al twee... Jeg vil skilles fra min kone. Hun har ikke talt til mig i et halvt år. Tænk dig nu om. Den slags kvinder hænger ikke på træerne...
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Blonde Jokes
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Защо средното IQ на японците е по високо? Въпрос към радио Ереван - Защо японците са толкова умна нация? Отговорът на радиото - Нямат блондинки. — Чому японці така розумна нація? — У них немає блондинок. - Miért olyan okosak a japánok? - ??? - Mert nincsenek köztük szőkék. Proč je Japonsko nejrozvinutější stát? Protože tam nemají blondýnky.
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A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.
She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her by radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fаn."
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