Newest jokes - Page 556

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. In front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
"Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5"
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he рissеd on the floor.
So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
"You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. COST $10"
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.
Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my diск was вiggеr than his and the second time I showed him!"

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A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

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Car and driving jokes Money jokes Blonde Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two married buddies are out drinking one night wh en one turns to the other and says:
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's аss and say, 'How about a вlоwjов?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A director’s wife hears that her husband has a new secretary. The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions:
- Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?
- I don’t know.
- What color do her eyes have?
- I didn’t notice...
- But about dressing, how does she dress?
- Very fast...

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Marriage and Family Jokes Life Jokes Secretary Jokes

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?"
She says, "I want to кill my husband"
He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A guy wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor for a check up.
He did the tests and waited.
After a while, the doctor came in with the results.
"Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live.."
"Doctor..! How much time do I have..?"
"Ten..."
"Ten what? Months? Years? What?!"
"Nine...Eight...Seven..."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes News and Politics Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Сhrisт?"
"You mean J.C?", responds the alien.
"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"

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Religion jokes Chocolate Jokes Christian Jokes Communication Jokes Alien Jokes

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sеx.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender...
"Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge сrаск."
The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."

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Dirty jokes

Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do?
Christy: I'd climb a tree.
Teacher: if the lion climbs a tree?
Christy: I will jump in the lake and swim.
Teacher: if the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you?
Christy: Teacher, are you on my side or on the lion's?

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Kids Jokes School Jokes Animal Jokes

Q: Who is the most skillful goal keeper in the world?
A: All women; they never allow any ball enters.

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Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Dirty jokes

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes – $50.00."
A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves."
"How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls.
"Well, that’s a little different," the officer replied… "their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully.
The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00."

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Prostitute Jokes Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes God Jokes Police Officer Jokes Prison Jokes Couple jokes

During the soccer match little Johny sits in the front row. His friend asks:
- How did you get tickets?
- From my brother - respond Petya.
- And where is your brother?
- At home.
- Looking for his ticket.

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Little Johnny Jokes Friendship Jokes Soccer Jokes

Before they met Chuck Norris, the Black Eyed Peas were simply known as "The Peas. "

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Chuck Norris Jokes One-Liner Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

If the customer is always right, then why isn't everything free?

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Money jokes Customer service jokes

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.
"It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.
"Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Men jokes

A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiот?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

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Redneck jokes Political Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

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