Newest jokes - Page 603

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè.

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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

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Christmas Jokes Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends.
But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying.
While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere.
I 'ave a request for ye."
Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere.I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland.
Bottled the year I was born it was.
After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey.
But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

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Friendship Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two cows were talking.One соw asked the other"
I wonder what hamburgers are made of?"
The other соw replied "YOUR MOM!

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Animal Jokes Food Jokes

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can’t leave," the doctor says.
But here’s what to do.
Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suск out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.
‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you’re gonna die."

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Friendship Jokes

There is a fine line between tan, and looking like you rolled in Cheetos.

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One-Liner Jokes

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Sluт - "I hate you вiтсh"
Blonde - "Your such a sluт, I bet your nакеd under those clothes."

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Blonde Jokes

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

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Relationship Jokes Fitness jokes

Q:How do you know a clock is still hungry?
A: It goes back four seconds.

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Food Jokes

Q: Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
A: Because there are lots of fans.

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Sports Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a реsт, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

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Animal Jokes Political Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine?
A: Knock on the door.

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Police Officer Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?
A. They make it rain!

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Science jokes

One woman I was dating called and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Jokes about Women Insult Jokes

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong ваlls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong ваlls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black ваlls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

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School Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time and asked his dad, "Why doesn't the stork recognize me?"

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

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Friendship Jokes Insult Jokes God Jokes

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "What was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Love is like a fаrт. If you have to force it then it's probably shiт.

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One-Liner Jokes

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