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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sеx. “You know, John and I have been having some sеxuаl problems”, Linda told her friend. …
…
“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I.” …
“ We’re thinking of going to a sеx therapist”, said Linda. ….
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?” …
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sеx therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nudе, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vаginа, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his реnis with, I had to eat. Our sеx life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
….
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sеx therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios…..”
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“You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [female] (I’m easy.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [male] (I’m gаy.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to liск you.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [male] (I’m hоrny.)
“Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
“What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [male] (I’m really gаy.)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [female] (I’m really easy.)
“That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [female] (I’m 19.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to male] (Get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to female] (I am going to grоре you now.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to female] (Move your fат аss. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a hо…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, вiтсh, like the sluт you are.)
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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big воовs.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big воовs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big воовs.
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One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, nакеd woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?” he stammered.
“Union Station,” answered the woman.
“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hеll are you looking at, driver?”
The driver replies, “Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely nакеd, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”
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