Newest jokes - Page 638

Patient:
"I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night."
Doctor:
"Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Кill two birds with one stone."

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A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos.
She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold".
The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
She says, "Soup, and ice cream!"

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes

If God had meant us to pay taxes, he’d have made us smart enough to fill in the return form.

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Money jokes God Jokes

My life may be a mess but I know the difference between "Your" & "You're"-

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Insult Jokes Stupid Jokes

Dentist: Little Johnny, you're not brushing your teeth very well. Do you know what comes after decay?

Little Johnny: De 'L'?

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Little Johnny Jokes Dentist Jokes Friday jokes

I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Ноrny. If you see him without an еrестiоn, make him a sandwich.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes

Once upon time, there were three friends playing on a beach. One kid's parents were good business people. The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders. The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father.
Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water. They saw a man drowning and all raced to save him. As they pulled the man to shore they realized it was Obama. The president then said, "Thank you kids for saving me! I'll give you each one wish!" The first kid said he wanted a helicopter. The second kid wished for some money. And the redneck asked for a wheel chair. Obama, concerned, asked why the poor boy wouldn't want some money for his family. The kid replied, "'Cause when pap finds out what I've done, I ain't gonna be walking for a pretty long time."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Old People Jokes Political Jokes Friendship Jokes American Presidents Humor

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. "It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

"So?"

"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"

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Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Military Jokes

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of he favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.

He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said:
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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News and Politics Jokes Kids Jokes

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you sтuрid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have рот in the glove compartment?

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Hillary Clinton doesn't suск. Just ask Bill.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes American Presidents Humor

I don’t want to go to school,” said a son to his father.
“Why not,” asked the father.
“I don’t feel well.”
“Where don’t you feel well,” the father asked.
“At school!”

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School Jokes

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store.
He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him.
But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help.
She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”
“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Sports Jokes God Jokes Blonde Jokes

"Walker Texas Ranger: The Movie 3-D" was considered by Warner Brothers; however the technology to create the visual effects will never be possible.

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Technology Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Q: Why is it a bad idea for two вuтт cheeks to get married?
A: Because they part for every little shiт.

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada.
Suddenly his car gets broken.
He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called.
But the chief has only $4, and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke:
"Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!"
The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke:
"OK, chief, but why so much?"
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby.
A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky...
The tribe signals:
"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"

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Car and driving jokes Money jokes Military Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Boss Jokes

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary.
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet.
He opens the freezer door.
The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."
The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Parrot jokes

A Muslim safely departs from a plane.

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Religion jokes Terrorist jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sеx. “You know, John and I have been having some sеxuаl problems”, Linda told her friend. …
…
“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I.” …
“ We’re thinking of going to a sеx therapist”, said Linda. ….
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?” …
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sеx therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nudе, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vаginа, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his реnis with, I had to eat. Our sеx life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
….
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sеx therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios…..”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

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