Newest jokes - Page 670

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"
And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing and of course that means that Twitter and the Internet have exploded with jokes about their divorce and just how tragic Tom Cruise really is.
“Katie Holmes is Divorcing Tom Cruise. Apprently he’d been in A Few Good Men.”
“Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes finally decided that pretending to be in love was ‘Mission: Impossible’.”
“I was arguing with Tom Cruise about scientology. He said, ‘Try to see it from my point of view’. So I knelt down.”
“BREAKING: Katie Holmes cites Tom’s building of a space ship made from aluminium foil in living room as reason for divorce.”
“Tom Cruise wants to raise his kid as a Scientologist, and Katie Holmes wants to raise her as a Catholic. Either way this kid is sсrеwеd.”
“Oh, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced? I bet Oprah’s couch is thrilled.”

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Kids Jokes Social Network Jokes Men jokes Internet Jokes

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

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Programmer Jokes Computer Jokes

A blonde walks into a store that makes curtains. She says to the clerk, "I would like curtains the size of my computer screen. The clerk says, "Why the size of you computer screen?" The woman replies, "Because I've got windows!"

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Jokes about Women Blonde Jokes Computer Jokes

Chuck Norris fell down the stairs and broke somebody elses leg.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? So she could lip read.

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One-Liner Jokes Blonde Jokes Dirty jokes

What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
The tiger lily.

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Animal Jokes

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

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Blonde Jokes

Why did the sреrм cross the road?
I put the wrong socks on this morning.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
"Chickens, eh?" says his friend. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag. "You guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
"Um...five?"

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Friendship Jokes Blue Collar Jokes

What did the dead dog say to its owner.
Nothing. It's dead..

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Dark Humor Jokes Anti-Humor Jokes Dog jokes

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that that hurts!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Grandparent Jokes

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

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One-Liner Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

Handy hint: Feed your baby onions so you can find it in the dark.

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Kids Jokes

One day Little Billy is at school showing off his new Spiderman watch. When Little Johnny spots it he asks, “How did you get that watch?”
“I walked in on my Mum & Dad having sеx.” explained Billy “My Dad shouted at me, then later came to apologise and bought me this new watch to say sorry”.
That night Johnny had a plan, he’d stay awake until he heard his Mum & Dad getting down to it and then burst in on them and maybe get a watch for himself. Everything went to plan and as he burst in shouting,
“I wanna watch!”
“Go get yourself a chair and be quiet then.” replied his Dad.

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Sex Jokes School Jokes

My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say.
So I said yes.
I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Minds are like parachutes.they only work when they're open
Money is like a promise, easier made than kept

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

Racism is going to end. 'Cause the way we're messing with the ozone layers, soon all white people are going to be black.

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Nationality Jokes

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