Newest jokes - Page 698

You might be a redneck if...
You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.
Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your вuтт when you get out.
You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".

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I met my ex-wife down at the gym. We didn’t workout.

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Office and Work Jokes Fitness jokes

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on вееr cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Fitness jokes Beer Jokes

Signs Your Cop Partner Needs A Vacation:
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fат.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

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Police Officer Jokes Relationship Jokes Fat Jokes

Q. How do men define a long-term relationship?
A. A second date.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

Why arent black people affended by thes jokes?
Because they cant read.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

I'm so tired of racial stereotypes.
Not every Arab makes bombs...some of them make Slurpees.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

My dental hygienist is cute.
Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.
Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

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Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dentist Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication!

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Religion jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dentist Jokes

Chuck Norris put his phone on air-plane mode and flew it.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Aviation Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Phone jokes

What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
The Hanger.

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Dark Humor Jokes Aviation Jokes

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said, "You know,it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies, "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

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Blonde Jokes Friendship Jokes

Friend рissеs me off so I poked holes in his соndом the night before he uses it.
Three months later... my mom's pregnant.

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Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes

On a first date, the young man thought he'd impress the young lady, a piano and voice teacher, by taking her to a karaoke bar.

After going up and singing a song, and now feeling confident as ever, he thought he'd ask a music question to impress her even more. He asked her, "What key did I sing that in?"

She replied, "Most of them."

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School Jokes Men jokes Music and Musician Jokes

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"How come?" I asked.
"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

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Music and Musician Jokes Dad Jokes

Some people at a university operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments where students could buy ready-made work. There were papers to suit all needs. The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay.

A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor.

Soon, the student received the paper back with the professor's comments, which read, "I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes College jokes Banker Jokes

A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

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Men jokes College jokes Dad Jokes

How can you tell a tough lеsвiаn bar?
Even the pool table has no ваlls.

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Dirty jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Lesbian jokes

2 cowboys and Chuck Norris were sitting at a campfire, while arguing who was the manliest.
Cowboy 1: I'm manlier, i killed a bull by punching away before it charged at me!
Coqboy 2: I'm manlier because i fought off an entire indian tribe worh my bare hands!
Chucks just chuckled at them, and continues to stoke the fire with his реnis.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for аss holes.

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Sex Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

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