Newest jokes - Page 698

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and кill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

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You might be a redneck if...
A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!"
You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.
You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

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Redneck jokes Police Officer Jokes Hotel Jokes

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

"I hope you didn’t take it personally, Father," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the vicar replied.
"It’s not a reflection on you, Father" insisted the church goer.
"Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

Hey guys.
Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button.
Thank me later.

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Friendship Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their вееr consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in вееr.
The theory is that drinking вееr makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of вееr each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Political Jokes Science jokes Beer Jokes

Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

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Jokes

Peter goes golfing every Saturday.
One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late.
His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
Peter says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had.
We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
Peter's wife says, "ОМG!
That's terrible!"
Peter says, "I know.
Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . ."

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Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Golf jokes

Rаре is such a harsh word - why not call it surprise sеx?

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Sex Jokes

In Sicily is no the Jehovah's Witnesses.
There people don't like the witnesses at all.

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Nationality Jokes

Happy Friday Everyone!

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One-Liner Jokes Friday jokes

Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work. Z
One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note:
'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'

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Friday jokes

Monday Lisa

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

What’s the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Greyhound?
A Greyhound waits for the hare to come out.
=

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What's The Difference Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow you around for three weeks after you dump your load into it.

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Sex Jokes Technology Jokes Blonde Jokes

A boy was talking to his kindergarten friend at recess. He said, "When I grow up I want to be the big bad wolf."

"Why?" asked his friend.

"Because I want to deliver presents to kids all over the world on Christmas," he replied.

Looking puzzled his friend said, "I believe you’re thinking of Santa Claus."

"Nope," he replies, "it’s the big bad wolf. How else are you going to put presents in locked houses?"

"Then what does Santa Clause do?" asked the friend.

"Santa puts money under your pillow if you lose a tooth. Next recess I’ll tell you how Little Red Riding hood met the three bears. Oh and why the Easter Bunny hangs out with the three little pigs who went wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

"How do you know all this stuff?"

"It’s easy, mom makes my dad read to me every night."

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Christmas Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes Easter Jokes

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids.
The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof.
The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque.
The Catholic Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only show up at Christmas and Easter.

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Christmas Jokes Religion jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Easter Jokes Priest Jokes

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we’re off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. “I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe .”
“I see,” the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s sсrеwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain, “this is the Staten Island Ferry.”

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes Dating Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes Military Jokes Sailor Jokes

Patient: Oh, doctor, I have terrible troubles. I do hope that you can help me
Psychiatrist: Now calm down. Just lie down on the couch and tell me all about your troubles.
Patient: Well, doctor, I have a duplex penthouse apartment in New York and a summer house on the beach at the Hampton. I drive a Rolls-Royce, and my wife drives a Jaguar. My two boys go to the best private school in the city. We belong to three very swanky clubs, and every year I manage to spend a month in Europe.
Psychiatrist: These things are very wonderful, but let’s get down to your basic problem.
Patient: I was just getting to it, doctor. You see, I only make $100 a week!

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School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes Military Jokes

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