Newest jokes - Page 699

Is Snoop serious? Or is Snoop Lion?

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What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down?
Hoe-Down.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Q. What's the king of the pencil case?
A. The ruler.

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School Jokes

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a school looking for the library.
He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon.
Please allow me to rephrase my question.
Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiот?”

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School Jokes Men jokes

To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.

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Sports Jokes

What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.

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Sports Jokes

Q: How easy is it to count in binary?
A: It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

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Technology Jokes

Yo mamma is so fат that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

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Technology Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Fat Jokes

There once was a girl named Suzy Brown
Said no one could lay her down.
Over the hill came Рiss Paul Pete,
With forty pounds of swinging meat.
He took her in the long tall grass,
Shoved his diск right up her аss.
Then she blew one gnarly fаrт,
Blew his ball two feet apart.
Over the hill went Рiss Paul Pete,
With forty pounds of shredded meat.

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Gross Jokes Fart Jokes

If I wanted some comeback, I'd wipe it off your сhin!

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Gross Jokes

A police officer stopped a driver for speeding.
"Can I see your driving license?"
"I don’t have it, I had it removed because of point system."
"Can I see your license for the vehicle?"
"But it is not my car, I stole it."
"Stole it?"
"Right, let me think, I think I saw the permition before in the glove box when I put my gun in there."
"There is a gun in the car?"
"Yes sir, I put it right there, when I shot and killed the woman driving this car and then put the body back to the trunk."
"There is a corpse in a car?"
"Right, sir."
After all these he calls the police chief.
And soon the car gets surrounded by police.
The captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
"Sir, can I see your qualification?"
"Of course, ultimately, there it is."
"In fact, it’s OK, and to whom does the car belong to?"
"It is mine, there is my license as well."
"uld you open the glove box, is there a gun inside?"
"Of course, take a look, there is nothing."
"Do you mind opening the trunk too? They told me that you put a body in there."
"No problem, take a look."
"Empty too! But I do not understand, the officer who stopped you told us that you said that you did not have a driving license, that you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
"Oh right! I bet he told you that I was running and speeding!"

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Military Jokes Boss Jokes

When Chuck Norris drives a Lamborghini, people assume the Llamborghini is compensating for something.

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Car and driving jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set.
"If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?"
The boy became very quiet.
So, moving the conversation along, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?"
He promptly replied, "Another train."

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Christmas Jokes Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Communication Jokes

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and кill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Ugly Jokes Boss Jokes

You might be a redneck if...
A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!"
You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.
You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

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Redneck jokes Police Officer Jokes Hotel Jokes

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

"I hope you didn’t take it personally, Father," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the vicar replied.
"It’s not a reflection on you, Father" insisted the church goer.
"Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

Hey guys.
Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button.
Thank me later.

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Friendship Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their вееr consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in вееr.
The theory is that drinking вееr makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of вееr each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Political Jokes Science jokes Beer Jokes

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