Newest jokes - Page 759

Q:How do you know when you are at a gаy picnic?
A:When all the hot dogs taste like shiт!

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1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league "bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by aceiling fаn.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunк. 19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.20. Somebody hollers "Ное Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. If you have a complete set of salad bowl sand they all say Cool Whip on the side....
22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...
23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working R.V...
24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...
25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart...
27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...
28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as aback scratcher
30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How'sit hangin?"
31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...
33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...
34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate...
35. If you've ever been too drunк to fish.36. If you don't understand why the first 35are not funny.

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Halloween Jokes

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride,
“As you give your daughter’s hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.”
The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride’s hand on his son-in-law’s arm and said.
“No deposit, no return.”

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Wedding jokes Boss Jokes

Doctor:
"Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age."
Husband:
"Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.
Fireman shouts: “Jump and we’ll catch you in this blanket!”
Irishman replies: “Fеск off, I don’t trust you, lay it on the floor!

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Irish jokes

A distraught investor called his financial advisor. “Is my money really all gone?”
He wailed. “No, no,” the advisor answered calmly. “It’s just with somebody else!”

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Business jokes Money jokes

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her.
He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

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Police Officer Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Love Jokes

In World War 2 Chuck Norris Pointed his Fingers at an enemy zero and said ВАNG, The plane burst into flames and crashed.

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Military Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Why shouldn't white people go swimming? Because crackers get soggy when wet.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

This morning I found a fly on my toilet seat. …
It was рissеd off.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

What is a suicide bombers worst fear?
Dying alone…

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Terrorist jokes Funny Riddles

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says," ' Bout what?" Submitted by Curtis Edited by Calamjo

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One-Liner Jokes

"You admit having broken into the dress shop two times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, your Honor," he replied.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in twice!"

"Yes, your Honor," sighed the suspect. "I had to exchange it. My wife didn't like the color."

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Judge and Court Jokes

Signs Of Christmas Toy Store: "Но, hо, hо spoken here."
Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
Outside a church: "The Original Christmas Club."
At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras - $70,000. Three for $200,000. "
A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."

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Christmas Jokes

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

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Sex Jokes

Anant to Redneck ‘you are an extremely good example of оrаl contraception.'
Redneck : how ?
Whenever you asked a girl to go to bed , she says “No”.

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Redneck jokes

I’m thinking of starting a nationwide chain of sреrм banks. (You know, those banks that take deposits and the customer loses interest.) .. I have my business model ready and a snazzy name. …
…
I’ll be calling each bank …”Get a load of this guy.”

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Funny Quotes Banker Jokes

Make sure to give your side b*tch a pencil for Valentine's day so she knows she is #2.

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Valentine's Day Jokes Pick-Up Lines Jokes

Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hеll did you leave your wheelchair?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don't bury survivors.

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USA Jokes Nationality Jokes

Latest Jokes