Animal Jokes - Page 57

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.
The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that sтuрid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his вuтт, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a peanut up his вuтт, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron.
"Ever since he ate that dаrn cue ball he measures everything first!"

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There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were вiggеr than she was.
One day she argued with a lion.
The next day was the first of June.
Why?
Because that was the end of May!

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Animal Jokes Love Jokes

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you?
A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri?
To show the opossum it could be done.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Animal Jokes

Is Snoop serious? Or is Snoop Lion?

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Animal Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and кill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Ugly Jokes Boss Jokes

Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

If tinder has taught me one thing it's that there is an extraordinary amount of single girls named Shelby that love to ride horses

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Animal Jokes Jokes about Women Single People Jokes Internet Jokes

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that соw?"

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Animal Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes

Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear.
The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said:
"You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans.
I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear."
"If you know that, why are you changing shoes?"
"Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear.
I only have to outrun you."

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Animal Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A tourist was drowning in the sea:
Help! Help! He screams.
Very calm the fisherman says:
Press F1 already and stop screaming.
You’re scaring the fishes away.

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Fishing Jokes Animal Jokes Computer Jokes

A man walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, “You’ve got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!”
A tortoise in the back shouts, “You ваsтаrd!”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

Q: A cowboy left Montana to go to Texas on Friday and came back on Friday. How did he do it?
A: He named his horse Friday.

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Cowboys and Indians Jokes Animal Jokes

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom.
He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower.
He looks at her crotch and says, "Whats that?" She says:
"Well, it's a веаvеr, Johnny."
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower.
He says:
"Mom I know what that is. It's a веаvеr, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."

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Dirty jokes Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes

Q: What do you call a horse that plays the violin in a musical?
A: Fiddler on the hoof.

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Animal Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 веаvеr, 1 аss, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

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Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Why did the frog cross the road?
Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken.

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Kids Jokes Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Animal Jokes

A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.
When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are what you are"
The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question.
One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes"
The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"

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Friendship Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

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Kids Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:
Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined.
2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again.
This time with a 50 million dollar offer.
Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

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News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes