Aviation Jokes

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Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked
"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest сriме rate..."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hеll are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've sсrеwеd everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Back in the day of open cockpits and stunt planes, an elderly couple went every year to the State Fair. Poppa always wanted to fly in the stunt plane, but mamma would always tell him no. "Ten dollars is ten dollars, we don't have that kind of money to waste," she would always say.
Each year was the same. One year, the stunt pilot heard poppa ask mamma if they could go up because they weren't getting any younger. The pilot told them he would not charge them the ten dollars if he took them up and he did not hear a word from either of them. Mamma agreed to the arrangement.
The pilot did not spare the spins and rolls. When he landed, he turned to poppa to tell him how proud he was of them, because they didn't open their mouths. He was shocked to find mamma was not in the plane. "Where's mamma?" he asked emphatically.
"Oh, she fell out."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because, ten dollars is ten dollars."
An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....
Smiling, happy, the engineer says,
"Bartender, shots for everyone!"
The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"
The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"
The bartender deploys the drinks to everyone around the smoky bar, the newcomers raise their glasses, and everyone drinks.
The scientist and the engineer then pay their substantial tab, leave a generous tip, and pull away in a Tesla. Naturally, everyone is a bit confused about what just happened, but before long everyone gets back to NASCAR, NFL, Fox, country music, cigarettes, cheap вееr, Trump, and arguing about Ford versus Chevy.
While the engineer sets the car to autopilot, the scientist pulls up this very joke, half composed, on his iPad, and with furrowed brow says,
"We still need a punch line."
The engineer nods in affirmation, and says,
"Look in the rear view mirror."
He looks. The small dive bar recedes into the darkness as the Tesla picks up speed, rapidly and silently.
"They don't even remember us. We worked our аssеs off, moved away to the city, competed with the brightest kids from around the globe, earned advanced degrees, and now we challenge global warming by designing advanced battery systems for electric cars. We have made a fortune along the way. I am 28. You are 29. Those townies will live and die back there. By choice. 14 mile per gallon trucks. Shiт вееr. Staying, sitting, stewing, and waiting for progress to come to them.
"There's your f-ing punch line."
At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny's class.
Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad.
To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him.
"Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military.
The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military.
The Marine Corps is a cult.
The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'."
So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?"
Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation.
Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other."
By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did.
"What did you do in the military, dad?"
"Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."