Aviation Jokes - Page 17

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

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A taxi driver in a Mercedes-Benz picked up a blonde woman at the airport one day. When she got in and they started on their way she enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for. In a jovial mood, the driver replied "Well, it's for lining it up at people, so you can run them down". "Ah I see", said the woman. With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman, but at the last second swerves away. A loud ваng startles him and he looks curiously over at his passenger who appears to be hanging out of the car with the door wide open:
"I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!"

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Blonde Jokes Aviation Jokes

The top ten reasons niррlе rings for women are a BAD idea:
#10. Pesky delays at airport security scanners.
#9. Potential law suits from elderly people with pacemakers looking for an easy buck.
#8. Your minister asks to see the "ring" and in a blonde moment you show him.
#7. For some reason, a simple comb now seems like a real threat.
#6. Mud wrestling as an occupation is no longer an option.
#5. Cats and babies are attracted to shiny things.
#4. You may now have to deal with Velcro nightmares.
#3. The aging process begins to take on a whole new meaning.
#2. Skinny dipping may be a challenge because of artificial lures.
#1. Lightning is not just something that happens to other people anymore.

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Blonde Jokes Aviation Jokes

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic sтriр characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles.
In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy. They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.
The flight attendant said,
"Sorry, but we don't serve PEANUTS on this flight."

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Food Jokes Aviation Jokes

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked
"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest сriме rate..."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Aviation Jokes

Two irish pilots flying An Air Fungus jet on final approach at Cork Airport.
First pilot said:
“Bejesus! Look how short this runway is.”
Second pilot said:
“Yes, but look how fuking wide it is!”

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Irish jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hеll are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've sсrеwеd everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

If you are flying in an airplane and it gets on fire where do you come out?
In the news.

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News and Politics Jokes Aviation Jokes

Back in the day of open cockpits and stunt planes, an elderly couple went every year to the State Fair. Poppa always wanted to fly in the stunt plane, but mamma would always tell him no. "Ten dollars is ten dollars, we don't have that kind of money to waste," she would always say.
Each year was the same. One year, the stunt pilot heard poppa ask mamma if they could go up because they weren't getting any younger. The pilot told them he would not charge them the ten dollars if he took them up and he did not hear a word from either of them. Mamma agreed to the arrangement.
The pilot did not spare the spins and rolls. When he landed, he turned to poppa to tell him how proud he was of them, because they didn't open their mouths. He was shocked to find mamma was not in the plane. "Where's mamma?" he asked emphatically.
"Oh, she fell out."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because, ten dollars is ten dollars."

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Money jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

The flight attendant was pointing out to passengers that their seats could be removed and used as floatation devices. One woman, on her first flight, said, “I’d prefer to be sitting on a parachute!’

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Jokes about Women Aviation Jokes

How many pilots does it take to make good music?
Apparently at least 22

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Music and Musician Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?
Passenger: No, I have not.
Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.
Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?
Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.

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Office and Work Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Aviation Jokes Military Jokes

Science built skyscrapers and airplanes
But only religion can bring the two together.

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Science jokes Aviation Jokes

An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....
Smiling, happy, the engineer says,
"Bartender, shots for everyone!"
The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"
The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"
The bartender deploys the drinks to everyone around the smoky bar, the newcomers raise their glasses, and everyone drinks.
The scientist and the engineer then pay their substantial tab, leave a generous tip, and pull away in a Tesla. Naturally, everyone is a bit confused about what just happened, but before long everyone gets back to NASCAR, NFL, Fox, country music, cigarettes, cheap вееr, Trump, and arguing about Ford versus Chevy.
While the engineer sets the car to autopilot, the scientist pulls up this very joke, half composed, on his iPad, and with furrowed brow says,
"We still need a punch line."
The engineer nods in affirmation, and says,
"Look in the rear view mirror."
He looks. The small dive bar recedes into the darkness as the Tesla picks up speed, rapidly and silently.
"They don't even remember us. We worked our аssеs off, moved away to the city, competed with the brightest kids from around the globe, earned advanced degrees, and now we challenge global warming by designing advanced battery systems for electric cars. We have made a fortune along the way. I am 28. You are 29. Those townies will live and die back there. By choice. 14 mile per gallon trucks. Shiт вееr. Staying, sitting, stewing, and waiting for progress to come to them.
"There's your f-ing punch line."

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Chevy jokes Aviation Jokes Beer Jokes Pilot Jokes American Presidents Humor

One day an engineer dies. He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners. When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hеll, you're not on my list."
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hеll, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hеll the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"

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Lawyer Jokes Aviation Jokes

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud ваng. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."
Suddenly there's another ваng. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they"ll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another ваng and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says,
"Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we"ll be up here all day."

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Blonde Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny's class.
Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad.
To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him.
"Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military.
The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military.
The Marine Corps is a cult.
The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'."
So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?"
Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation.
Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other."
By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did.
"What did you do in the military, dad?"
"Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Military Jokes Aviation Jokes American Jokes

Do airport workers have to take hangar management courses?

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One-Liner Jokes Aviation Jokes

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!
There is a very pretty, hot and sеxy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fат old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous! "
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before.
This is Air Force One..."

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Political Jokes Aviation Jokes Couple jokes Military Jokes