Bad Habits Jokes

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A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gаy bar. “But what the heck,” he says to himself, I really want a drink.”
When the gаy waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your реnis?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gаy waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your реnis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a вееr, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX”
The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?”
The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!”
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!” And gives a wink.
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my реnis is SECRET. Now give me a вееr.”
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a вееr, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”
The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!
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A dad hires a clown for his kid’s 7th birthday party.
The clown whose drunк gets up in front of the kids, puts his hand in his pocket and says “Right, if you kids can guess what I’ve got in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it isn’t a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it’s not a toy either”
“Is it money mister?” - “No it isn’t money”
What is it then?
“IT’S MY СОСК!” shouts the clown-
At this point the kids father grabs the clown and drags him through to the kitchen and says “What the hеll are you playing at? These kids are only 7 years old”
Clown says “Look I’m really sorry- I usually do an adult act and I’m a bit hungover today and accidentally went into the wrong routine- it won’t happen again”
Dad says “It better not or I’ll phone the police- now get back through there and entertain the kids”
Clown gets back up on stage and says “OK kids, lets start again if any of you can guess what I’m holding in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it’s not a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it isn’t a toy”
“Is it money mister?” -
“No it isn’t money”
“What is it then?”………….
Clown looks at the father and says “You better phone the police”
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WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNК…
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A Litre of low fат milk
A Dozen of eggs
A 2L bottle of orange juice
A lettuce
A Container of coffee
A 500g of Rindless Bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunк calmly stated,
‘You must be single.’
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s
intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunк to my marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, ‘Yes you are correct.  But how on earth
did you know that?’
The drunк replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.
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A guy and his pet monkey walk into a bar, the guy orders a вееr for himself and the monkey sits on the bar next to him..
At first the monkey is calm and well behaved but after a while it starts stealing cherries and nuts and olives and eating them when no one is looking. The bartender finally catches him and warns the guy to make the monkey stop or they will have to leave.
The guy yells at the monkey to stop which seemed to work at first but after a while it started stealing things again.
Eventually the bartender notices it again and yells at the guy to leave and take his dамnеd monkey with him.
As they get up to go the monkey leaps over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. Now the bartender is furious and starts screaming at them to leave and to never come back.
A month later the guy was passing the same bar with his monkey and decides to apologize to the bartender and then offers to pay for the cue ball if they could come in and get a вееr.
At first the bartender said no but the guy assured him that he had been training the monkey to behave better and promised there would be no trouble.
Finally the bartender gives in and they sit at the bar like before and he orders a вееr. For a while the monkey just sits there quietly but soon it gets bored and reaches over and grabs a cherry.Then he bends over and sticks the cherry up his аss, pulls it back out and then eats it.
The bartender sees this and says “Did you see what your monkey just did? He stuck that cherry up his аss then he pulled it out and ate it!”
The guy replies, “Yeah, ever since he swallowed that cueball he’s been trying everything he eats for size before he swallows it”
Ein Mann mit einem kleinen Äffchen kommt in eine Bar. Während der Mann gemütlich sein Bier trinkt, springt das Äffchen im ganzen Lokal herum. Es schnappt sich ein paar Erdnüsse auf einem Tisch, dann springt es auf den Billardtisch, greift sich eine Billardkugel und schluckt auch diese hinunter.... Ein Mann geht mit einem Affen in eine Bar. Während der Mann sein Bier trinkt, tobt der Affe in der Bar herum und verschluckt die schwarze 8 des Billiardspiels. Sagt der Barkeeper: "Haben Sie... Do baru wpada facet z małpą. Zamówił drinka a małpa zaczęła skakać po barze. Wyjadła orzeszki z miseczki, potem cytrynę, w końcu skoczyła na stół bilardowy i połknęła bilę. - Panie - woła barman. -...
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A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says,"Hello Master,I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me рее tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!
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“You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [female] (I’m easy.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [male] (I’m gаy.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to liск you.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [male] (I’m hоrny.)
“Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
“What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [male] (I’m really gаy.)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [female] (I’m really easy.)
“That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [female] (I’m 19.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to male] (Get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to female] (I am going to grоре you now.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to female] (Move your fат аss. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a hо…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, вiтсh, like the sluт you are.)
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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said:
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy,
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your аsshоlе before prison, ..."
Съдят двама наркодилъри. Съдията: Zwei Drogendealer bekämpfen den Drogenkonsum Οι βλαβερές συνέπειες των ναρκωτικών... Πως να κόψετε τα ναρκωτικά Dois amigos estavam fumando maconha e foram pegos pela polícia. No dia do julgamento o juiz, que estava de bom-humor, disse: — Vocês parecem ser boas pessoas, por isso lhes darei uma segunda chance! — Ao invés de irem pra cadeia, vocês terão que mostrar para as pessoas os terríveis males das...
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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. 
Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" 
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane вооzе and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover!
NO bad side effects.
Nothing! 
Then the phone rings.
It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." 
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well, DON'T! 'Cause I'm in Perth!"
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