Dog jokes

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Mother-in-law came for dinner and said, "Why does the dog keep looking at me?" I said, "Because you're using his plate!"

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My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?
A dog, dogs eat meat

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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

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Dog:
“Tell me joke”
Me:
“No, you won’t understand human jokes”
Dog:
“Ohh sure because humans are so smart and dogs are so dumb”
Me:
“Knock Knock”
Dog “омg someones at the door, brb!”

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I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

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I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fат, the dog seems to like her.

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I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat
The librarian said "That rings a веll but I don't know if it's here or not."

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My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified “No dogs. ” Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn’t in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, вlоw-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. “How is everything? ” asked Chuck. “We’re moving ” replied the man. “This is a sick neighborhood. ”
“Why? What happened? ” replied Chuck. The neighbor replied:
“Some sick ваsтаrd dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage. “

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Dogs may not be able to use the Internet but they do have рее-mail.
When they go outside they always want to check their messages and leave a status update.

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Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?
**Awkward silence**
Me: It took him a couple bytes

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Drug-sniffing dog
Me:
"Sweet dog you got there"
Policeman:
"Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."
Me:
"Still in training, huh?"
Policeman:
"What do you mean?"
Me:
"Nevermind"

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What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?
A jet setter!
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppy dogs!
Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?
Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!
Where do Eskimos train their dogs?
In the mush room!
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
Because frost bites!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!
What do you call an alcoholic dog?
A whino!
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog?
Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
When the door is open!
Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!

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I'll never forget my dog's last words
"You've taken too much acid."

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I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.
She said it rang a веll, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” answered the blonde.”They're watch dogs!”

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I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

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How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’?
Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will кill your dog

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My teacher didn’t believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.
She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

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A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

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