Jokes about Dogs

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”
“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”
“Not this time, your dog died.”

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I confess… Here are some clues that tell you I’m from Alabama:
• I think my farts are my best jokes.
• My dog gags when he sees me eat.
• I finally cut the grass on the front lawn and found a car up on cinder blocks.
• My family tree has just one long trunk with no branches.
• Mobile Alabama had an inсеsт contest and I entered my older sister.
• My beard attracts birds.
• I remove my toothpick only for family weddings and group pictures.
• I think of “Fast food” as hitting a possum at 80 mph.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Stupid Jokes Dog jokes

I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer
That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me"
"I'm so sorry."

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Dog jokes

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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Dog jokes

What song do pumped-up Canadians sing?
“Who Let the Sled Dogs Out?”

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Canadian jokes Dog jokes

I bought a dog from a blacksmith …..
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Dog jokes

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy, while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I have been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes Dog jokes

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

A post man had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from 1 last letter he had to deliver, he had to take it 2 miles down a small country road . By the time he got there he was soaked through, muddy and sore. He entered the garden, closed the gait and turned round to be greeted by to huge paws landing on his chest . There was a massive 10 stone Rottweiler standing in front of him ( did his вuм go boo or what!). He was terrified , just then the window of the house opened and a little old lady said” don’t worry sonny just kick his ваlls”. He said”what!”, she said kick his ваlls he likes that”. This post man had on regulation size 12 military steel toe cap boots, 18 lace holes and football size studs , he went WALLOP and booted dog square in the ваlls, the dog went ” how, how , how houuuuuuuu” and collapsed with its knees knocking together. The old lady said ” your in fcukin trouble now”. He said “why” she said I meant his ваlls on the grass beside you !”.

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Masturbation jokes Dog jokes

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vомiт and says,
"Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

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Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dog jokes

Patrick left the pub after having too much to drink.
He was taking the underground home.
As he started to get on the escalator, he read the sign: ‘Dogs must be carried on the escalator.’
He shouted, ‘Now where I am to find a dog after midnight?’

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dog jokes

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
"There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead".
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat.
The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.
"It's definitely dead sir", says the vet.
Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes.
"That will be L1000, please".
"A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man.
"Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Dog jokes

Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
They keep shouting "Do over!"
When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
They play like the Mets

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Monday jokes Dog jokes

You're not gonna win, but that's all you're thinking about is winning, right? You don't even think about the fact that the game is impossible: you're 30 feet away, trying to throw a hot dog into a wine bottle.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Wine jokes Dog jokes

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods...
Cats have never forgotten this.
Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs...
You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God!
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
I got rid of my husband.
The cat was allergic. My husband said it was him or the cat...
I miss him sometimes.
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!

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God Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Dog jokes

These two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog across the streets licking its own nuts.
First guy says "Man, sure wish I could do that."
Second says "I dunno, I think I'd pet him first."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dog jokes

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can’t buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can’t have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did.
She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you’re satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Food Jokes Dog jokes

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not, Muldoon; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Would ya’ be thinkin’ €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

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Animal Jokes Irish jokes Dog jokes Priest Jokes