Jokes about Dogs

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Murphy is stood outside his house when he spots Раddy walking down the street with a strange animal by his side.
“whats that weird looking creature you have there?” he asks
“oooohhh” replies Раddy “this is the fiercest dog in Ireland its called a long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog”
“We’ll see about that ! i have a Rottweiler, a Doberman and a Pit Bull Terrier in the back yard lets put this long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog of yours to the test” Murphy laughs
“I’ll bet you a 100 that my dog can beat all three of them at the same time” says Раddy proudly
So they shake on the bet and go to the back yard where the Rottweiller, Doberman and Pit Bull are growling and barking.
Murphy opens the gate and the long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog walks in. After a few seconds fur is flying and the dogs are screaming, then silence……
They look into the yard to see the long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog stood alone with no trace of the other three dogs apart from some blood and fur around its mouth.
“well you were right Раddy” says Murphy as he’s handing over the ?100
“what did you say it was called again ? a long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog ?”
“Yup” replies Paddy
“but in other parts of the world they call it a Crocodile!”

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Animal Jokes Irish jokes Dog jokes

A Christian family was at a pet store when the owner suggested that they get a Bible Dog.
Family: Bible Dog?
Owner: Watch. Bible Dog pray! (Bible Dog starts praying.)

Owner: Bible Dog read! (Bible Dog starts reading scripture.)
Family: We'll take him.

One week later the family hosts a party. The family shows off the Bible Dog by doing the same tricks that the owner showed them. One of the guests say that's fine, but can he do normal tricks.

Family: Bible Dog sit! (Nothing happens.)
Family: Bible Dog come! (Nothing happens.)

Family: Bible Dog heel!
Bible Dog stands on his two feet and lays a hand on one of the family's head and says, "You've been saved!!!"

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Christian Jokes Dog jokes

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks:
'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar.
She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK.
Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dog jokes

Dogs have owners.
Cats have staff.

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Animal Jokes Dog jokes

Two men are walking their dogs, a Poodle and a German Shepherd. They decide they’d like to go into a bar for a drink.
“But we can’t bring our dogs into that bar,” says the Poodle’s human.
“No problem,” says the German Shepherd’s human. “Just watch this.”
He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar. “Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender.
“But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the German Shepherd’s human.
The bartender apologizes and shows him to a chair.
The Poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar. “Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender.
“But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the Poodle’s human.
The bartender objects, “Hey, Poodles can’t be seeing eye dogs!”
The Poodle owner gasps, “What?! The agency gave me a poodle?!”

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Men jokes Disability Jokes Dog jokes

1.Happiness is only a shoe shop away
2.If you fаrт it is blamed on the nearest man
3.It is always the mans fault if the car goes wrong
4.Chocolate can really solve problems
5.You can end a fight by crying
6.You have the right to be a pain every month

1.you always get the blame if something goes wrong
2.the kids always see you as the one that tells them to tidy their room and that they can't get a dog
3.The kitchen
4.People annoy you at totally the wrong time with their problems
5. The week after your period no one likes you
6.If you break up your relationship you only get half your cds back

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Kids Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes Chocolate Jokes Dog jokes

This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday.
This is a great country!

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Friday jokes Dog jokes

Crazy USA Laws …
…
Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours (North Carolina) …
…
In Quitman, Georgia, Chickens are not allowed to cross the road … (Well there go a thousand jokes!) …
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Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down (Paulding, Ohio) …
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If you cut down a cactus, you could be sentenced to 25 years in prison. (Arizona)
You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday (Rhode Island)
In Texas, it’s illegal to sell your eyeballs.
It’s against the law to sing off-key in North Carolina.
In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone’s ear while they’re moose hunting.

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There were three people on the third floor of a building the first one took a bite of a apple then said it was too hard so he threw it out the window the second person took a bite of a lemon he said it was too sour so he threw it out the window the third guy was drunк, he took a bite of a grenade and thought it was to crunchy so he threw it out the window then one of them went downstairs he saw a dog laying on the ground dead the apple had hit the dog in the head then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap it had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head next there was a old guy laughing i asked him why he was laugh he said “i farted and the building behind me blew up”.

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Military Jokes Fart Jokes Dog jokes

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:

*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in you Jell-O.

*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a chocolate Ding Dоng.

*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.

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Food Jokes Science jokes Chocolate Jokes Dog jokes

The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS’s office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I’m a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I’ll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I’ll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn’t see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that’s not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I’ll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and рiss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that’s impossible you’ve got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he’s laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what’s wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could рiss on your desk and you’d just love it.

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