Jokes about Dogs

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A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Dog jokes

Redneck Воотy Call... Dog:
Mind if my hunting dog watches?

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Pick-Up Lines Jokes Dog jokes

Things I Learned From Movies:
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to кill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Single People Jokes St. Patrick's Day jokes Dog jokes

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin Time to paint your вuтт white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Dog jokes

Q: What do you get when you play country music backwards?
A: You get back your wife, your dog and your truck.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Dog jokes

Signs You're No Longer in College...
- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
- You attend parties that the police don't raid.
- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
- You refer to college students as "those kids."
- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just вееr, вееr and вееr.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
- Naps are no longer weekday options.
- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato сhiрs.
- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

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School Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Divorce Jokes College jokes Beer Jokes Dog jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Signs you are a loser:
1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it.
2. All the numbers in your little black book start with "1-900."
3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club.
4. You were almost involved in a тhrееsоме, but your left hand fell asleep.
5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of "pillow talk."
6. Your personal ad reads: "Seeking Anybody."
7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase "Who cares?"
8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.
9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, "Put your right foot in, take your right foot out."
10. You spent last summer following around the 2000 Bible Belt Trekkie Convention Tour.

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School Jokes Dog jokes

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal:
"What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a соw have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

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School Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Dogs Sleeping Anywhere Men jokes Student jokes Dog jokes

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living. The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor."
The first neighbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor responds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires. "Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds."And you have children too, right?" says the professor."Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor."So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor."Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday."What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend."
Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gаy!"

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School Jokes Dog jokes

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been able to sleep because her dog snores too loudly.
The doctor told her to tie a ribbon around his ваlls and he will shutup. The woman goes to her bedroom and sees her dog lieing on the floor snoring. She gets a red ribbon and ties it around his ваlls. The dog stops snoring. The woman goes to sleep.
After a while, her husband comes home drunк. He lays in bed and falls fast asleep. He starts to snore loudly so the woman gets a blue ribbon and ties it around his ваlls. The next morning the woman gets up and goes to work. The man wakes up and sees the blue ribbon on his ваlls. Then he looks down at the dog and sees the red ribbon around his ваlls. The guy says to the dog, ''I don't know what we did lasst night, but we got first and second place!'''

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Sports Jokes Dog jokes

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your аss.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me - what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me - how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hеll you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me - who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hеll out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

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Sports Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon and looked down at their dog who was licking his diск.
One of the the guys looked at the other and said,
"I wish that I could do that."
The other one then said,
'Don't be sтuрid, man - that dog would bite you!"

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Pet Jokes Dirty jokes Redneck jokes Dog jokes

Q: What do you call a dog that has ваlls of steel and is dragging them across cement?
A: Sparky.

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Sports Jokes Dog jokes

10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer:
1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence, "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

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Technology Jokes Dog jokes

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by рissing and moaning.

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Technology Jokes Dog jokes

Rejected Science Fair Projects:
- just HOW poisonous are poisonous snakes?
- Which household products are most flammable?
- Which hurts more: falling off the slide or being pushed off the slide?
- Which tools are sharper: kitchen or garage?
- can sharks hunt a human?
- What happens if I stick my hand in this?
- HOW many ways can you break an arm over summer vacation?
- HOW many goldfish does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
- can dogs fly?

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Technology Jokes Dog jokes

Q: What's the similarity between a woman and dog роор?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Old People Jokes Dog jokes

A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes Restaurant Jokes

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirтy, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, вlоw dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

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Gross Jokes Dog jokes