Fat Jokes

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Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! (While filled with illusion I wrote you this letter) I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street.
There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity!
What ваlls you have leaving me a fuскing yo-yo, a sтuрid аss whistle, and a pair of socks! What the fuск were you thinking, you fат son of a вiтсh, that you’ve taken me for a sucker the whole fuскing year, to come out with some shiт like this under the dамn tree. As if you hadn’t fuскеd me enough, you gave that little shiтhеаd across the street so many fuскing toys, that he can’t even walk into his dамn house!
Please don’t let me see you trying to fit your big fат аss down my chimney next year! “I’ll fuск you up!” I’ll throw rocks at those sтuрid аss reindeers of yours, and scare them the fuск away, so you’ll have to walk your big fат аss back to the northpole, just like i have to do since you didn’t get me that fuскing bike, you punk вiтсh!!
You know what santa, fuск you!! Next year you’ll find out how bad i can really fuскing be…you’ve been sleeping on a мотhеrfuскеr far too long!
So watch your back next year, you fат вiтсh!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
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Finally, after years of research, perusal of the ancient texts, consultation with etymologists and psychiatrists, we can present a reasonably good translation of women’s English into understandable English: ……
…..
Women’s English:
Yes = No …..
No = Yes …..
Maybe = No …..
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry …..
We need = I want …..
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you моrоn!
You’re so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sеx all you think about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don’t want you to see my flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you aren’t going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T. V.
Is my вuтт fат? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
Nothing = Everything. (Especial caution to use of “nothing” when she is sulking!)
Everything = My РМS is acting up.
Nothing really = You’re such an аss.
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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can’t look that old. Well . . . You’ll love this one.
My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-hairedboy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school …
“Yes. Yes, i did. I’m a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?’ i asked.
He answered, “in 1975. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled faced,
Fat-assed,
Gray-haired,
Decrepit
Son-of-a-bitch
Asked,
“What did you teach???”
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What do you call ?
A Sindhi lawyer?
Case-wani
A Sindhi lawyer after a case?
Purse-wani
A blue-skier Sindhi?
Akash-wani
What is a communist Sindhi called?
Lalwani.
What is a Sindhi who falls from the first floor called?
Thadani.
What is a Sindhi who falls from the 17th. floor called?
Kriplani.
What is a Sindhi who falls from the 30th. floor called?
Marjani.
What is the most noteworthy contribution of the Sindhis’ to Hindustani Music? Raga Kirvani.
A God fearing Sindhi?
Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter?
Sadarangani A
Sindhi chef?
Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician?
Voltram Bijlani A
A fashionable Sindhi?
Jogio Armani
A Sindhi milkman?
Gopal Dudeja
A heroic Sindhi soldier?
Hiroo Sipahimalani
A Sindhi реsт control contractor?
Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York?
Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova?
Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine?
Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent?
Neelam Rindani
A Sindhi postman?
Mailwani
A forgetful Sindhi?
Bulo Bhulchandani
A fashionable Sindhi?
Primlani
A fат Sindhi?
Hathiramani
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Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Whats thirty feet long and smells like urinе?
Line dancing at a nusing home.
What is the square root of 69?
Ate something
But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing sсrеwеd up by a period.
What do соw pies and cowgirls have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
What does a rubix cube and a Реnis have in common?
The more you play with it the harder it gets.
How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sреrм count?
You have to chew before you swallow!
Which sеxuаl position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother!
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
How is рuвiс hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U. S.
Why did god invent alcohol?
So fат women can get laid too.
What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill!
What did one saggy тiт say to the other saggy тiт?
If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blond electrician.
What have women and condoms got in common?
If they’re not on your diск they’re in your wallet.
What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the аss and say, “You’re next Baby… !”
Why were the two whоrеs travelling in London рissеd off?
Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!
Why is sреrм white and рiss yellow?
So you know if you’re сuммing or going
How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Shoot him in the face!
What’s the difference between a реnis and a bonus?
Your wife will always вlоw your bonus!
A recent survey shows that sреrм banks beat blood banks in contributions…HANDS DOWN!
What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
I can’t get a hard-on because I was just layed.
What is Moby Diск’s dad’s name?
Papa Boner
Roses are red that much is true but violets are purple not fсuкing blue.
Mom: If a boy touches your воовs say “don’t” and if he touches your рussy say “stop”?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”
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