Friendship Jokes

Six retired friends were playing poker when one of them loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. One of the guys says, “We’ve got to go tell his wife, who’s going to do it?”
They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. "Leave it to me," Bob says.
He goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door. When the dead man’s wife answers, Bob says,
"Your husband just lost $1500 and is afraid to come home."
"$1500? Tell him to drop dead!" snarls the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Bob.

0 0

15 things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies
1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says,
"I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
And last but not least
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

0 0

Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

0 0

Friendship Jokes Life Jokes

Friend:I did your mom
Me:My mom dosn't do girl on girl action!

0 0

Insult Jokes Friendship Jokes

An old man is talking to his friends. He says, “I’ve got my health, everything is fine, my mind, knock wood… who’s there?

0 0

Men jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes

So there were 3 friends trapped on the desert.... They found a lamp that has a geni in it the geni said:I will give you 1 wish each the first guy wished to be home same with the second one the third man's wish is "I'm lonely I wish my 2 friends were here"

0 0

Men jokes Friendship Jokes

An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. “What would you like Marty?” she asked. “I’m looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish.” He replied. “Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won’t like that dish.” Helen said. “What do you know,” answered Marty, “I’m getting it.” “Marty, I’m telling’ you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won’t like it!” Helen exclaimed. “I’m getting it and that is the last word!” says Marty.
A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, “Where are my eggs?”

0 0

Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes

My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his super-critical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry. After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"
"The one with short hair."
"Yes! How’d you know?"
"Because that’s the one I didn’t like."

0 0

Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sеx. Now, Sеx has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sеx.
He said,
"I would like to have one too!"
Then I said,
"But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said,
"You don't understand. ... I have had Sеx since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sеx at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said,
"But Sеx has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sеx."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sеx at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sеx.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sеx.
I said,
"You don't understand. ... Sеx keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said,
"Me too!"
One day I entered Sеx in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sеx in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said,
"I hoped to have Sеx on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said,
"Your Honor, I had Sеx before I was married but Sеx left me after I was married."
The Judge said,
"Same here!"
Last night Sеx ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said,
"I'm looking for Sеx." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more dамn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sеx has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."
And the doctor said,
"Look mister, you should understand that sеx isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

1 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read:
"I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel... Collect... On which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

0 0

Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

Two women met in heaven who were previous acquaintances on earth.
One said,
"I can't believe you're here so soon what happened?"
She exclaimed, "I froze to death!"
The other said,
"That's terrible how'd it happen?"
"Well I started shivering uncontrollably, fell asleep and here I am!" Then she asked how her friend died.
She exclaimed "I had a heart attack! I came home to find my husband sitting in his lazy chair and I just knew it was cheating on me so I ran around the house looking everywhere for another woman I looked in the basement looked in the attic look behind the shower curtain in the bathroom and I ran myself into a frenzy and collapsed of a heart attack.
Finally her friend replied "If you would have just look in the freezer we both still be alive!'.

0 0

Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked,
"Hi, I'm the red jеrк of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said,
"Hi, I'm the green jеrк of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said,
"Let me guess. You're the blue jеrк of the highway. What do you want?"
"Registration and license please" came the reply.

0 0

Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Have a fisherman friend that is always exaggerating the size of the CATFISH he catches. I ask him what was the size of his latest catch.
He replied, "Five inches!"
"Five inches?" I asked. "Five inches is not a very large catfish."
"You didn't let me finish," he began, "five inches between the eyes!"

0 0

Sports Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two friends were walking home after a party and decided to take a
Shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
The cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
The misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
Chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy соw, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You
Scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
Doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

0 0

Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two women who had just met at a health spa were talking about their lifestyles and how they hope to stay healthy. One asked the other to detail her daily routine.
“I eat moderately,” she replied, “I exercise moderately, I drink moderately, and I live moderately.”
“Is there anything else you do?” her new friend asked.
“Yes,” she said, “I lie extensively.”

0 0

Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the intercom wasn't working properly.
My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.
After making some fixes, she asked,
"Is that okay now?"
"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

0 0

Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes

One day, two little friends were walking home from school and kid #1 said,” I have noticed, in the morning while looking out my window that your father goes to work earlier than my dad, yet they work together... Why is that?" Then kid #2 not having a clear answer, replies "well, he goes early to swing on the gate!"

0 0

Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise
I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure exactly where I got it.

0 0

Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes

There are three guys enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting them each one wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it and says, “O. K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my I. Q.
The mermaid says, “Done!”
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I. Q.”
And the mermaid replies, “Done!”
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping scientists in various fields. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my I. Q.”
The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change other people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider.
The guy replies, “No, I want to increase my I. Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t know what your asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe…won’t you ask for something else.. A million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I. Q. increased by five times it’s usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done!”
And with that, he became a woman!

0 0

Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Math Jokes Sexist Jokes