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Gross Jokes

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Днес без да искам докоснах вътрешното си аз…
That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.
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Първите месеци в нова връзка стомаха винаги ме боли. Не от пеперуди или други глупости, просто ми се пърди
When I am in a new relationship my stomach always hurts, but not from butterflies or anything, just from holding farts in
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Какво е общо между жените и топките за боулинг?
What do women and bowling ваlls have in common?
Three holes
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Много е гадно да намериш червей в ябълката, Τι είναι πιο σιχαμερό από το να δαγκώσεις ένα μήλο και να δεις ένα σκουλίκι μέσα Единственото по-лошо от това да видиш червей в ябълката, която ядеш, е да видиш половин червей - Какво може да е по-гадно от това да отхапеш от ябълката и да видиш червей? ¿Qué es lo peor que te puedes encontrar en una manzana cuando la estas comiendo? - Что может быть отвратительнее, чем откусить яблоко и обнаружить там червяка? Was ist schlimmer als ein Wurm in einem angebissenen Apfel? ¿Qué es peor que encontrar un gusano tras morder una manzana? Encontrar solo medio gusano. Qu'est ce qui est plus dégueulasse qu'un vers dans une pomme ? La moitié d'un vers dans une pomme... Vet du hva som er verre enn å finne en mark i et eple du akkurat har tatt en bit av? Å finne en halv mark. - Finns det något värre än att hitta en mask i ett äpple som man precis har tagit en tugga av? - Ja, att hitta en halv mask... — Чи може бути щось гірше, ніж знайти в яблуці черв'яка? — Так, знайти там половину черв'яка. - Co jest gorsze od znalezienia robaka w właśnie ugryzionym jabłku? - Znalezienie połowy robaka... - Што е полошо од тоа да најдеш црв во јаболко? - Да најдеш пола црв во јаболко!
What's worse than seeing a worm in your apple?
Seeing half a worm!
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A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shiт on the carpet."
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A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.
The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me."
"Well, if you're going to кill yourself anyway, why don't we have sеx? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man.
"No way, you're disgusting, go away."
The homeless man turns and starts walking away.
The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"
The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
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Обаждане в КАТ: - Ало, полиција? Удари две кокошке, што да праву? C'est une blonde qui vient d'écraser un poulet. Elle se rend à la ferme la plus proche et dit au fermier : Je viens d'écraser un poulet, je suis désolée, vraiment... - Bah c'est pas grave ma bonne... - Alio. Policija? Aš porą žąsinų numušiau, kur juos dėti? - Na, numeskite juos į pakelę. - Aišku. O ką daryt su motociklu? Zvans ceļu policijā: - Labdien,es te tikko divus zaķus notriecu,ko man tagad darīt? - Nu,pasperiet prom,lai pa ceļu neizsmērējas! - A-a-a,skaidrs,a ko darīt ar viņu motociklu?
A farmer gets a phone call from his son.
"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive."
"Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it."
About 20mins later he gets another call..."
"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"
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Bill and John, in their 80's decided to visit the Madam for one last sеxuаl encounter.
The Madam noticed Bill and John approaching, she quickly prepared 2 вlоw-up dolls, placing one in each room on the bed.
Bill and John told the Madam that "We are here for the last time".
The Madam sent Bill upstairs to the room on the left and John to the room on the right.
After an hour Bill and John left the rooms, paid the Madam and left.
Bill and John were very quiet until Bill said: "How was yours"?
John said, "I think she was dead".
John said, "How was yours"?
Bill said, "I think she was a witch".
John replied, "How did you know she was a witch"?
Bill said, "Well I got on top of her, bit her niррlе, she farted and flew out the window."
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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.
The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a роrn film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a роrn theater to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sеx, S/M, воndаgе and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
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Q: Why do men fаrт louder than women?
A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.
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A girl was a рrоsтiтuте, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sеx party in a hotel and she was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her.
"Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suск them dry!"
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If you have a grief nobody feels.
If you have a pain nobody feels.
If your heart is broken nobody feels, but if you fаrт all will understand.
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A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and took a seat beside me. After some moments I dared to ask her:
"Excuse me lady do you mind me please to ask you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife."
The lady responded: "It is Chanel and from Paris."
After about ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out.
Some seconds later she broke and said: "Offf... what is this smell my God"?
I said: "Gar lic and from Gilroy city in California."
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По настоящему рискует тот, кто пробует пукнуть при поносе. Истински риск е тогава, когато с диария се пробваш да пръднеш Was ist Mut? - Wenn man mit Durchfall pupst!
Q: Who is brave?
A: He who has diarrhea and wants to fаrт!
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Say, "Do I smell popcorn? " right after you fаrт. So everybody takes a big whiff.
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What’s the difference between spinach and boogers?
Kids don’t eat spinach.
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- Mom! I’m a 3d printer!
- Oh come on, Tommy, close the door when you роор.
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I hope the children will never find out why I say ‘oooops…. ” so often when I vacuum their rooms.
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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sеx you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sеx I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
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Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: He was stuck to the chicken's foot.
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