Irish jokes - Page 3

Раddy’s wife gave birth to triplets..
“How in God’s name did that happen ?” says Paddy
“Remember that night when i was very dry and we had no Vaseline so we used 3 in 1 oil ?”
“Вlооdy hеll” says Раddy “I’m fuскin glad i didn’t use WD40” .

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Раddy set out on a very windy day to see his friend Мiск who was sick in bed.
Hours later, he pulled his weary body into Мiск’s house.
Mick asked him how it was.
“I’ll tell ya, it was just brutal. For every step I took forwards, I fell back two steps.”
“Then how ever did you make it over here?” Мiск asked.
“Well, finally I gave up, so I turned around and headed for home.”

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Irish jokes Friendship Jokes

Раddy always slept with his gun under his pillow. One night, hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe. …
…
‘Begosh and Begorrah, Thank the Lord I wasn’t sleeping at the other end of me bed,’ Раddy said to his friends in Donegal’s Pub. ‘I would have blown me fool head off.’

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Irish jokes Friendship Jokes

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, “You can’t fool me. You’re in that basket up there.”

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Irish jokes Men jokes

Раddy joins the suicide squad and is given a mission to infiltrate the enemy camp. His commander supplies him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy camp and calls his Commander: Sir, there are 2 enemy soldiers, can I do it now ?
Commander : No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Paddy : Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Wait for more.
Paddy : Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, dont worry about your family, we will look after them.
Paddy pulls out his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

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T here is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past.
The man turns to the Priest and says, “Don’t try to stop me father, I’m going to jump.”
“Don’t jump.” says the Priest, “It can’t be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live.”
“That’s one of the reasons I’m jumping” Says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you, think about your family.” says the Priest.
“That’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well think about your job.” says the Priest.
“There’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you think about St. Patrick.” says the Priest. “Who’s that?” asks the Irish man.
“Jump you Protestant ваsтаrd.” says the Priest.

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At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.

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Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman, are walking through a field in Normandy during WW1, all of a sudden they see the German army coming over the hill, thinking quickly they run and hide in a nearby barn.
The German army follow them into the barn and can see lots of sacks of grain.
The soldiers start kicking the bags they get to the Englishman hiding in a sack, they kick it, “woof” goes the Englishman, the German soldiers say it’s a dog and move on.
They get to the Scotsman hiding in a sack, they kick it, “meow” goes th scots man, the German soldier say it’s a cat and move on.
They finally come to the Irishman hiding in a sack, they kick it. The Irishman shouts “POTATOES”

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A cop comes across some smoked up Irish lad crawling around on the railway track and says, “What do you think you’re doing mate?”
The bloke responds, “Oh, thank fuск officer. Could you help me get off this ladder?”

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Irish jokes Office and Work Jokes

Раddy says to Мiск, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”…. Мiск says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

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Christmas Jokes Irish jokes

Раddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said, “This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks!” Раddy replied

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Irish jokes Dog jokes

Alex an Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?"
The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."

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Раddy says to Мiск - I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Мiск asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Раddy replies, - I’ll take her with me!

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Irish jokes Military Jokes

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” ….
“What is it, child?” ….
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake.”

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Раddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.
Patent officer: “How does it work then?”
Paddy: “Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade and it slits his throat”.
Patent officer: “Sтuрid giт! There wouldn’t be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat. Get out of my office and don’t come back until you’ve perfected it.
After months of head scratching Раddy makes a single but vital modification: he removes the cheese. He proudly returns to the patent office and puts the trap on the desk.
Patent officer:OK, smart аrsе, enlighten me.
Paddy:Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp, leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat…
Patent officer:Fuск off, that’s exactly the same as before.
Paddy: No, no. This time he moves his head from side to side saying where’s the fuскing cheese ?
Job done.

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Irish jokes Office and Work Jokes Single People Jokes

Zoo keeper says to Раddy, “The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sеx with it. Would you consider shаgging it for 500 pounds?”. Раddy replies, “I will on 3 conditions:
1st I’m not going to kiss it.
2nd my family must never know.
3rd I’ll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!”

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Irish jokes

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."

"Oh, really?"

"No, O'Reilly!"

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Irish jokes Marriage and Family Jokes St. Patrick's Day jokes

Раddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”. Раddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

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Irish jokes

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunк.

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Friend: Hey, have you got a date for Valentines Day?
Me: Yes, February 14.

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