Boss Jokes

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Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest вееr in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
Hotel Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunк or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're sтuрid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rестuм, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rестuм and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rестuм should be the boss.
The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the аsshоlе is usually in charge.
Office and Work Jokes Insult Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Management Jokes Communication Jokes Boss Jokes
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"
Police Officer Jokes Boss Jokes
Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes
Отива един на доктор. Me боли главата нешто Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man... Xiang Li llama una mañana al trabajo: - Yo no puede tlabajá hoy, estoy mu malito, duele la cabeza, duele el estómago, fieble? Yo no tlabajo hoy, señol. El jefe le responde: - Mira, Xiang, hoy te... Kung Chang llamó a su Jefe y le dijo: - Jefe, hoy yo no tlabajal, yo estal enfelmo. Duele cabeza, duele panza, duele pielna, no voy tlabajo. El Jefe le responde: - Kung Chang, realmente hoy te... сотрудник звонит шефу: - я сегодня не выйду на работу, настроения нет, да и хандра какая-то.... Harry ist krank Ali ist krank Der Erkan telefoniert mit seinem Chef! "Du Chef, ich Hand- Kopf- Fußweh haben, ich nicht arbeiten kommen können! Sagt der Chef: " Na gut aber ich geb dir einen Tipp, wenn mir mal was weh tut... C'est un ouvrier qui appelle son patron... - Allô patron. - Oui Allô? - Patron, je ne vais pas pouvoir bosser aujourd’hui ! Je me sens vraiment mal… - Écoute Pedro, je vais te donner un conseil : quand j’ai un p’tit coup de mou, je demande... Carlos Un uomo va dal dottore con una lunga storia di emicrania. Il dottore scopre che il suo povero paziente ha provato praticamente ogni terapia senza nessun miglioramento. ‘Ascolta’ dice il dottore,... Mattias gick runt och var små sur hela tiden på jobbet. Allt var det fel på, och han skapade en otrevlig stämning som smittade av sig till alla på företaget. Till slut orkade inte chefen längre med hans gnällande och sura uppsyn och sa till på skarpen, - Nä nu får du ge dig! Ta ledigt resten av... Johan gick och var mest småsur – fel på jobbet, fel på arbetskamraterna, fel på kaffet, fel på chefen, fel på... Till slut tröttnade chefen och sa till på skarpen: - Gör mig en tjänst! Ta ledigt... Kalle va småsur, fel på jobbet, fel på arbetskamraterna, fel på kaffet, fel på chefen. Chefen sa: - Gör mig en tjänst! Ta ledigt resten av dagen, åk hem och dra över frugan. Nästa dag kom Kalle... Kontorsjefen har lagt merke til at en av de ansatte sitter og gaper, fullstendig utslitt. Han gir ham et råd: "Jeg hadde det likedan, men gikk hjem og knullet kjerringa mi knallhardt hver... Oddleif ringer sjefen for atter en gang gi beskjed om at han er blitt syk igjen og ikke kan komme på jobben. Sjefen, som åpenbart er irritert over hyppige sykemeldinger fra Oddleif, sier så at når... Egy embert szörnyű fejfájás gyötör, ezért elmegy az orvoshoz. - Doktor úr, mostanában hihetetlenül fáj a fejem, tudna valamit tanácsolni? - Nézze uram, ha nekem fáj a fejem, általában szeretkezek...
Old People Jokes Boss Jokes
Полицай спира нарушител, което значително е превишил скоростта: O policial de uma pequena cidade para um motorista por excesso de velocidade. — Mas, seu guarda, eu posso explicar... — replica o motorista. — Fique quieto! Vou colocá-lo na cadeia até o chefe chegar! — esbraveja o policial. — Mas, por favor, eu só queria dizer que... — Silêncio! Você está preso... Een politieagent in een kleine stad hield een motorrijder aan die te hard over de hoofdweg reed. "Maar agent," begon de man, "ik kan het uitleggen." "Blijf nou maar rustig!" beet de agent hem toe....
Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Wedding jokes Prison Jokes Boss Jokes
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Мiск Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''
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Шефа ми пристигна с ново Порше на работа. Викам му "яка кола". - Директоре многу ви е убав новио Мерцедес. Директоре, многу убав Мерцедес сте купиле! - Ааа фала. Ако работиш и натаму напорно како до сега, догодина и на жена ми ке и' купам ваков. A boss took one of his employees to show his new sports car. "That is amazing" the employee was fascinated. "That is true" replied boss "and if you set your new goals higher and work even harder I can get an even better car next year". - Patrón, me gusta mucho su auto nuevo. - Muchas gracias, si trabajas duro y con mucho esfuerzo.... el próximo será mejor. Сегодня наш начальник приехал на работу, на новой машине... O empregado esta em serviço, quando chega o chefe, num lindo carro zero. O empregado não se contém, olha pra ele e diz: Pomoni ajoi työpaikan pihaan upouudella bemarilla. "Hieno auto" huudahdin. "Kiitos! Työskentele ahkerasti ja tee ylitöitä niin saan vielä hienomman ensi vuonna"
Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes
Днес шефът така дълго вика по мен, че най-накрая, без да искам, изръсих: My boss got really angry with me this morning. He Kept shouting and cursing for at least an hour. After a while my habits kicked in and at one point I said, “You’re Right, honey.” Шеф меня так долго ругал сегодня,
Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day.
This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing.
- Колко продажби направи днес? - попитал мениджърът. – Колку продажби направи денес? – Прашал менаџерот. ¡ Que vendedor! Uno de los tantos desocupados que hay en Bs. As. decide buscar trabajo en un shopping de esos para clase medio-alta. Se entrevista con el gerente de RRHH y éste le pregunta: -... Ein junger Mann zieht in die Stadt und geht zu einem großen Kaufhaus, um sich dort nach einem Job umzusehen. Manager: "Haben Sie irgendwelche Erfahrungen als Verkäufer?" Junger Mann: "Klar, dort wo ich herkommen, war ich immer der Top-Verkäufer!" Der Manager findet den selbstbewussten jungen Mann... In einem grossen amerikanischen Kaufhaus in dem es wirklich alles gibt, wird ein neuer Verkaufsleiter gesucht. Der Mann mit den besten Referenzen wird ausgewählt, soll aber erst einem praktischen... Το ψάρεμα Ateşli bir köy çocuğu şehrin en büyük marketinde işe başvurur. Dünyanın bu en büyük alışveriş merkezinde her şey ama her şey satılmaktadır. Patron sorar : - Daha önce hiç satıcılık yaptın mı?- Evet... Wielki hipermarket. Szef przyjmuje do pracy nowego sprzedawce, dając mu jeden dzień okresu próbnego, żeby go przetestować. Po zamknięciu wzywa szef nowego sprzedawce do biura : - No to ile dziś zrobił pan transakcji? - pyta. - Jedną, szefie. - Co? Jedną?! Nasi sprzedawcy mają średnio... En ung kille från en by i Norra Norrland flyttade till Stockholm och gick till ett stort köpcentrum för att söka jobb. Chefen för köpcentret undrar: - Har du någon säljerfarenhet? Killen svarar:... Een jongeman loopt voorbij een supermarkt en ziet er een bericht aan het uitstalraam hangen waarop vermeld staat dat de eigenaar op zoek is naar een verkoper. Hij stapt de winkel binnen en zegt... Een schoolverlater heeft zijn eerste baan in een warenhuis. Na sluitinging komt zijn baas langs en vraagt: "Hoeveel klanten had je vandaag?" "Eentje" Zegt de jongen. Zijn baas zegt: "Eentje maar,... Een jong ventje uit Groningen verhuist van het platteland naar Rotterdam. Hij besluit een baantje te zoeken bij een groot warenhuis. Heb je ervaring met verkopen?’, vraagt de manager. ‘Ja hoor’,... Egy fiatalember a városba költözik és beáll egy nagyáruházba eladónak. - Van valami tapasztalata ezen a területen?- kérdezi a főnöke. - Persze, én ne tudnék eladni ! A manager gondolja, na majd...
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