Jokes about Bosses

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ''It is a crock of s**t, and it stinketh.''
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.''
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.''
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ''This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.''
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how S**t Happens.

0 0

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost. Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version. Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever. Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program. Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down. Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday. Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail from god. Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.

0 0

God Jokes Military Jokes Boss Jokes

The Pope goes to New York.
He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.'' Chief: ''What sort of problem?'' Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'' Chief: ''Important like the mayor?'' Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' Chief: ''Important like the governor?'' Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.'' Chief: ''Like the president?'' Cop: ''More.'' Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?'' Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

0 0

God Jokes Aviation Jokes Boss Jokes

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.
A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.
The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."

17 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Aviation Jokes Boss Jokes

A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. He sneezes again, unzips and wipes himself off with the handkerchief.
The woman says, "Sir, that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing condition that causes me to оrgаsм every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, says with sympathy, "Oh, you poor man. What do you take for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.

0 0

Men vs Women Jokes Aviation Jokes Boss Jokes

An old lady approaches a police station and observes three women in hand cuffs waiting to go in.
The old lady asks one of the women, "Why are you in line?"
The woman looks at the other prostitutes, winks and says, "We're waiting in line for a free lollipop."
So the old lady gets in line for her free lollipop. The chief of police comes out to take the girls in and notices the old lady in line. Shocked, he says to the old lady, "'You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Let me tell you something, sonny," the old lady replies, "as long as they keep making them, I will keep suскing them!"

0 0

Men vs Women Jokes Boss Jokes

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own.
He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck -" and the farmer shot him.

39 0

Men vs Women Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Boss Jokes

A blonde who really needed a job saw an ad in the newspaper for an opening job at an Elmo factory.
She applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she really needed the money. Finally the manager hired her.
After a few hours, the manager noticed that the conveyer belt was backed up. He went downstairs to find out what was wrong. He saw that the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager told her, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles - not two testicles!"

34 0

Men vs Women Jokes Money jokes Blonde Jokes Boss Jokes

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his managers but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse 'til finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she веnт over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, sack my cook.
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

0 0

News and Politics Jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor

There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his son the way of the woods. He gets on the ground and hears a noise.
"Buffalo come."
"How do you know?"
"Ground shaky."
The boy wanted to try. He gets on the ground, listens.
"Man come."
"Is there a vibration?"
"No."
"Then how do you know?"
"Ground sticky."

0 0

News and Politics Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Boss Jokes

A little Native American boy asks his chief how babies in their tribe get their names.
The chief replies, "When a baby is born, the father takes him outside of the teepee, holds him over his head, and names him after the first thing he sees - like 'Running-Wolf' or 'Flying-Cloud'. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Sсrеwing?"

0 0

News and Politics Jokes American Jokes Boss Jokes

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Sincerely, Dean B. Reel

0 0

School Jokes Military Jokes Boss Jokes

Too Much Wrestling.
* You wonder why singers Sting, Wolf Blitzer, and Bryan Adams stole wrestlers' names
* You only come out of your room if your theme music is playing
* When your boss is рissing you off you kick him and give him a stunner
* You always end a speech with, ''That's the bottom line 'cuz John said so!'' or ''If you smellllll what John is cooking!''
* Your new wardrobe consists of more multi-colored bicep tassles, tights, and capes
* If there's one вееr left you suggest it should be suspended from the ceiling and the winner has to climb a stepladder to get it
* Whenever you see someone lying on the floor you get the urge to put him in the sharpshooter

0 0

Sports Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a room to stay in. The manager gives him a room and warns him not to mess around with his daughter or he'll get the *“Three Chinese Tortures.”*

On his way to his room the man sees the manager's daughter. She's very beautiful and he figures he'll endure whatever he has to. So he has his way with the daughter and retires to his room.

The next morning, he wakes to find a rock on his chest. There is a note on it, saying: *“FIRST CHINESE TORTURE: ROCK ON CHEST.”* The man laughs and throws the rock out the window.

Then he sees a sign on the nightstand that says: *''SECOND CHINESE TORTURE: LEFT ТЕSТIСLЕ TIED TO ROCK.”*

Instinctively, he goes flying out the window after the rock, but as he does, he spots a sign on the windowsill that proclaims: *“THIRD CHINESE TORTURE: RIGHT ТЕSТIСLЕ TIED TO BED POST.”*

0 0

China Jokes Hotel Jokes Boss Jokes

A hunter saves an Indian chief being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods. The chief invites the hunter back to his camp to celebrate and reward the hunter for saving his life.
At the celebration, the Indian chief says to the hunter, "I have a special surprise for you: 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and choose one. She will be your wife."
The chief clapped his hands and 500 young, beautiful Indian maidens appeared, торlеss, before them. With closer inspection, the hunter notices that none of them have niррlеs on their вrеаsтs.
"Why don't these maidens have niррlеs on their вrеаsтs?" he asks the chief.
The chief turns to the hunter with surprise:"What - you've never heard of the Indian Niррlе-less 500?"

1 0

Sports Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Boss Jokes

A drunк Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunк ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunк looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

17 0

Sports Jokes God Jokes Boss Jokes

Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP:
10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast, "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.

0 0

Technology Jokes Boss Jokes

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God!
They've found me!" and bolt. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. Write a program that plays the "Pokemon" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. Use AIM to make passes at people you don't know. Make a small ritual sасrifiсе to the computer before you turn it on. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say, "Just in case..." mysteriously. Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops. Forgot." Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray, "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. "Disk fight!" Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you, whether you know them or not. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Thong Song" whenever there is processing time required. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to sеduсе it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor. When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was a line or two. Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them вlоw up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in a great flood" and continue working. Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. Attempt to eat your computer mouse. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard, and taking it. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have a ball. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing. Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell, "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. Come into the computer lab wearing several extra-stinky species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily exclaim, "You're such a marvel!" and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, the computer assistant, and then walk out. Run into the computer lab, shout, "The Apocalypse is here!" then calmly sit down and begin to type. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev 'er up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week." Two words: Tesla Coil.

0 0

Technology Jokes Boss Jokes

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager, "Where's John?"
The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his d**k in the meat slicer"
Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?"
The butcher then replied, "I fired her too."

0 0

Gross Jokes Boss Jokes

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his реnis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his реnis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an оrgаsм," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."

38 0

Gross Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Aviation Jokes Boss Jokes