Jokes about Priests

The worst part about church is that you’re constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling; I mean, why can’t the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!

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Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"

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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's вrеаsтs and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely вrеаsтs, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's реnis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge еrестiоn. "Sister, you know that if I insert my реnis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's аss and lets get the hеll out of here."

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What do catholic priests and JCPennys have in common?
Little boys pants half off.

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Priest Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie?
The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

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Kids Jokes Priest Jokes Priest Jokes

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hеll right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF ВАSТАRD WITH YOU TOO!”

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Priest Jokes Catholic Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Priest Jokes

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

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Priest Jokes What's The Difference Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “fuск the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

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Church jokes Priest Jokes Priest Jokes

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed:
"I thought we had a deal."
The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."

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A drunк staggered down the main street of the town.
Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional.
After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunк's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any paper on your side?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Priest Jokes Priest Jokes

A rabbi, a Unitarian Universalist minister, and a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.
As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungryand realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.
The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.
"You should have gotten all of our lunches!" scolded the priestess. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the rabbi's, walked back across the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.
The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha... what... how did you...?"
The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"
The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies "What rocks?"

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Fishing Jokes Priest Jokes

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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Religion jokes Priest Jokes

Why are priests called father? - Because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

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Priest Jokes One-Liner Jokes Dad Jokes Priest Jokes

An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them Into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that shiт-eatin’ grin off your face.”

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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

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A drunк staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunк continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunк mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

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Religion jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Priest Jokes

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Des Moines, Iowa:
A repentant burglar returned his loot to its owners, along with a note explaining why:
"My priest said I done a wrong."
More than $200, a pair of sunglasses and some golf ваlls were found Monday morning on the steps of Potthoff Foods Incorporated, a meat wholesaler.
"He took my sunglasses, but I didn't know he took them until I got them back this morning," sales representative Phil Barber said. "You know, I don't think something like this happens that often. It's sort of neat. The guy did wrong, but he tried to make it right."
The break-in at Potthoff's happened late Friday or early Saturday. The thief pried open a door and rummaged through some desks.
Potthoff officials said they're not going to depend on the honesty of thieves' nature in the future.
"We are adding an extra security system today," Barber said.

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A Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a priest were walking down a country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road.

The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road?

The Shaolin monk said it’s the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path.

The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself.

The Priest said it’s because it follows the plan of our maker under his divine rule.

Just then the young farm boy spoke up, "Actually, it’s because I left the chicken coop door open."

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Priest Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because there was a Catholic priest standing next to it.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Religion jokes Priest Jokes

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set; and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician.
“In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

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