Jokes about Priests

There was a trucker riding along on a highway, While riding he sees a priest on the side of the road sticking his thumb out trying to catch a ride.
So out of curtisy the trucker stops and picks up the priest.
They start chatting and having a good time.
On the way they see a homeless person on the side of the street.
The truckers veers off and hits the homeless person. *bu-dump* the trucker sees homeless person,*bu-dump* the driver who is laughing histerically wasn't watching the road and there was another bu-dump, The driver immediatly stops and looks around nervous."what was that?" he looks at the priest and the priest looks back.
"You missed a homeless guy, but don't worry I got him with the door."

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What’s the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Greyhound?
A Greyhound waits for the hare to come out.
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What's The Difference Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids.
The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof.
The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque.
The Catholic Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only show up at Christmas and Easter.

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Christmas Jokes Religion jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Easter Jokes Priest Jokes

A new priest does his first mass. He is very nervous and he stammers his way through. Afterwards, he approaches the Monsignor to ask how he thought it went. "Well," says the monsignor, "Try a little wine before you do your next mass." So the next time the priest delivers a real fire and brimstone sermon, after which he asks the monsignor, "How did I do this time?" The fellow clergyman replies, "You did well, son, but I need to clear up a few of your misconceptions. First off, it was the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, not 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Sроок.' Next, David slew Goliath; he didn't 'whip the shiт out of him.' And last of all we are planning a taffy pulling contest here at St. Peter, not a 'Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.'

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Religion jokes Wine jokes Priest Jokes Fitness jokes

Q: When do you kick a мidgет in the ваlls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead рrоsтiтuте?
A: Your job still suскs!
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: How do you кill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!
Q: Why couldn’t they get the dead mans casket lid shut?
A: Because he overdosed on viаgrа!
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (сuм) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it сuмs on your face!
Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my diск? Never mind, its too long.”
Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my рussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.”
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fат to fсuк ?
A: When you pull her pants down, her аss is still in them

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Funny Riddles Jokes about Women Fat Jokes Gynecology Jokes Viagra jokes Priest Jokes

T here is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past.
The man turns to the Priest and says, “Don’t try to stop me father, I’m going to jump.”
“Don’t jump.” says the Priest, “It can’t be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live.”
“That’s one of the reasons I’m jumping” Says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you, think about your family.” says the Priest.
“That’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well think about your job.” says the Priest.
“There’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you think about St. Patrick.” says the Priest. “Who’s that?” asks the Irish man.
“Jump you Protestant ваsтаrd.” says the Priest.

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Irish jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Priest Jokes

A drunк stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests.
He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Сhrisт.”
The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Сhrisт.”
So the drunк says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Сhrisт.”
The drunк says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunк and exclaims, ”Jesus Сhrisт, you’re here again?”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes God Jokes Priest Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Priest Jokes

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

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Religion jokes Priest Jokes

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” ….
“What is it, child?” ….
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake.”

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Irish jokes Priest Jokes

A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly.
“Daddy, there’s some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him”
The farmer said “Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I’ll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this:
If it’s the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine, he’ll drink it all if you don’t.
If it’s the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma’s butter and egg money in it, he’ll talk her out of all of it.
And if it’s the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma’s lap until I get there.

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Money jokes Religion jokes Wine jokes Priest Jokes

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that dамn gun..."

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Church jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Priest Jokes

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father"
- "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually:
"Good morning, Father,"
"Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

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Blonde Jokes Priest Jokes

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"

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Animal Jokes Priest Jokes

What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.

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Boycott Jokes Religion jokes Dirty jokes Priest Jokes Catholic Jokes What's The Difference Jokes Priest Jokes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion."
"I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

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Animal Jokes Religion jokes God Jokes Priest Jokes

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes Priest Jokes

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Gоddаммiт, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Priest Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Atheist Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

Q: What's the difference between acne and a Roman Catholic Priest from the Vatican?
A: Acne would wait until you're at least 13 before it would сuм on your face!

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Priest Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"

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Police Officer Jokes Halloween Jokes Priest Jokes

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the веll, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jаскаss."

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Blonde Jokes Priest Jokes