Judge and Court Jokes

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Στο νεκροταφείο. A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed ‘Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.' The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?" A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The... En el cementerio se lee: "Aquí yace un abogado, un hombre honrado, un hombre íntegro". El campesino se persigna y dice asustado:¡Virgen Santísima, enterraron a tres hombres en la misma fosa! Matka i syn idą cmentarną aleją i mijają nagrobek z napisem: "Tu leży dobry prawnik i człowiek honoru". Chłopiec przeczytał napis, spojrzał na mamę i spytał: - Mamusiu, dlaczego pochowali tu dwóch...
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Каква е разликата между прегазен негър и прегазено куче? Unterschied zwischen Maus und Blondine Πώς καταλαβαίνεις σε ένα τρακάρισμα αν σκοτώθηκε αράπης ή σκύλος; Qual a diferença e ntre um político e um cachorro atropelados? antes do cachorro, há marcas de freada... Wat is het verschil tussen een aangereden hond en een aangereden turk? - Bij de hond staan er remsporen Mitä eroa on tiellä kuolleella koiralla ja asianajajalla? - Koiran edessä on jarrutusjäljet - Vad är det för skillnad på överkörd kanin och en överkörd norrman? - Det är inga bromsspår framför norrmannen. - Vet du vad det är för skillnad mellan en överkörd hare och en överkörd AIK-supporter? - Ingen aning! - Det är bromsspår framför haren Mi a különbség az elütött kutya és az elütött politikus között? - ??? - A kutya előtt van féknyom. - Ar ko atšķiras nobraukts policists no nobraukta suņa? - Pirms suņa ir bremžu sliede.
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Млад адвокат тича щастливо при баща си (и той адвокат): Έκλεισα την υπόθεση Ο Έξυπνος Δικηγόρος Адвокатски неволи. Ein Anwaltssohn möchte in die Fußstapfen des Vaters treten. Er schließt mit Auszeichnung ab und fängt in der Kanzlei seines Vaters an. Am ersten Arbeitstag stürzt er in Büro seines. Vaters und sagt: O filho, advogado recém-formado, chega todo sorridente para contar a novidade ao pai, advogado titular do escritório: - 'Papai, papai! Em um dia, resolvi aquele processo em que você esteve trabalhando por dez anos!' O pai aplica um safanão na orelha... Ein junger Rechtsanwalt besucht seinem Vater, der auch Rechtsanwalt ist. Der Sohn berichtet stolz: "Stell dir vor Vater, den Erbschaftsprozess, den du mir übergeben hast, habe ich gewonnen." "Du...
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At the court of a small provincial town, a lawyer calls his first witness, an old woman around 80 and he asks her with a professional style: "Do you know me, Mrs. Rowland?"
"Of course, I know you Mr. Smith! says the old woman. I know you since you were little, and I have to confess that I am very disappointed in you. You lie, you cheat on your wife repeatedly, you gossip about your clients. Of course, I know you!"
Speechless, by the unexpected answer, the lawyer points with his finger on the other side of the court room and says: "Do you know the defense lawyer?"
"Oh, yes! I know Mr. Soft as well. I was holding him in my arms when he was a baby, and I can say that I am disappointed in him, too. He’s a drunк and a gamester. He finds it hard to develop a normal relationship with anyone and he is one of the worst lawyers of our town!"
At that point, the Chairman interrupts the process and demands from the two lawyers to approach the bench. When they do, he bends over and whispers to them: "If any of you jerks, asks if she knows me, you’re sсrеwеd!"
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If you mixed vоdка with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times,do they become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called 'Poles,'why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
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Lawyer Experiments Substituting Rats for Lawyers Anwälte ersetzen Ratten Porque razon los cientificos ocupan cada vez mas abogados que ratas en sus experimentos ? 1) Hay mas abogados que ratas. 2) Nadie va a reclamar porque mates un abogado de mas. 3) La anatomia de los... I USA kommer man att börja använda advokater som försöksdjur i stället för råttor. Det blir inga protester för det är ingen som tycker att advokater är gulliga... Det finns alldeles för många. De... - O Instituo Pasteur anunciou que eles não vão mais usar ratos em experiências médicas. No lugar dos ratos, eles vão usar advogados. Eles tiveram três razoes para tomar esta decisão: - 1. Existem... I Californien er man begyndt at bruge advokater som forsøgsdyr i stedet for rotter. Det er der 3 grunde til: 1. Der er flere advokater end rotter 2. Det er ikke alt, man kan få rotter til 3. Der er... В Калифорния започнаха да използват адвокати като експериментални животни вместо плъхове, поради 2 причини: 1. Имат повече адвокати, отколкото плъхове 2. Няма риск лабораторните техници да се... Miksi tiedemiehet käyttävät kokeissaan rottia asianajajien asemasta? Rotilla on inhimmillisempi katse.
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Defense Lawyer's Good News "I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress." "Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140!" Adwokat przyszedł na widzenie ze swoim klientem: - Mam dla Pana dwie informacje - dobrą i złą. - To zacznij Pan od złej. - Badania krwi wykazały, że był Pan na miejscu morderstwa. - A ta dobra... Adwokat do klienta: - Mam dla Pana dobrą i złą wiadomość. Analiza DNA wykazała, że na miejscu zbrodni znaleziono Pańską krew. - To źl A ta dobra wiadomość? - Cholesterol i cukier w normie. "Minulla on hyviä uutisia ja huonoja uutisia," puolustusasianajaja kertoi asiakkaalleen. "Ensin huonot uutiset. Veritestin tulokset saapuivat ja teidän DNA sopii täydellisesti sen kanssa mitä... Адвокатот што го застапува Трпе му вели: - За тебе имам и добра и лоша вест. - Ајде прво лошата. - Крвта што ти ја земаа за анализа, одговара со крвта најдена на местото на злосторството. - Е што е... Státní zástupce u soudu hovoří k obžalovanému: „Máme pro vás, pane obžalovaný, dvě zprávy. Jednu špatnou a jednu dobrou. Kterou chcete slyšet první?” „Tak nejprve raději tu špatnou.” „Dobře. Tak ta... - Van egy rossz, meg egy jó hírem. mondja a védőügyvéd kliensének. - A vérvizsgálat kimutatta, hogy maga követte el a bűncselekményt. - Ajjaj! És mi a jó hír, ügyvéd úr? - Hogy alacsony a...
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An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.The lawyer's first question was,
"Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
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Scene:
A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for мurdеr.There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty."But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says:
"Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Неll and is let in.Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Неll, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Sатаn up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Неll?"Sатаn replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."Sатаn says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."Sатаn laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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