Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless раnтiеs and goes home to surprise her husband.
When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new раnтiеs. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"
The old man says, "Неll no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

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A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me." He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes College jokes Math Jokes School Jokes

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle.
The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."

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While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest реnis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge реnis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the реnis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

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A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad соw?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by visiting fence against which they first made love.The husband says, "Come on, for old times' sake."
The wife agrees and they both undress.Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."
His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A wife comes in and yells, "Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery."
Her husband yells back, "Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
His wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hеll out."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A: A rebel without a clue.

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A woman tells her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor asks her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"
She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night?
A widow.

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A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes Fishing Jokes Love Jokes

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
A: He thought his wife was a flake.

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A blond man and a brunette woman were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital, and she gave birth to two baby boys. The blond man turned to his wife and yelled, "All right, who's the other father?"

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the соw kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too. As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

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A father has three daughters who are all getting married on the same day.
He asks his oldest daughter, ''Whom do you wish to marry? She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.'' He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.'' He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''I wish to marry the man with one draggin' on the floor!''

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog - at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.

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Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.

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A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other nакеd for the first time.The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means роliо. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no - smallcox, too!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Couple jokes

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Sатаn appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."Sатаn asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.Sатаn asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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