Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Marriage is not always wine and roses…but I have found that wine does help a lot!

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I’ve been invited to my mother-in-law’s Halloween party. All my wife’s family will be there, wearing crazy costumes.
I wasn’t sure what to go as, but then I saw an advert for the new series of The Walking Dead, and it gave me a great idea.
I’ll stay in and watch that instead.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Halloween Jokes

For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night.
She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie.
He says,
"I wanted to suск your тiтs dry and f**k your brains out."
"Well, what do you think today?"
He says,
"I think I did a good job."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Boob Jokes

Wife asks her husband to pass her a newspaper. He replies,
"Newspaper? Are yo really that behind reality? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper? Here, take my iPad instead."
The wife takes the iPad and uses it to кill a cockroach. Her husband faints.

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Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Social Media is a lot like being married.
You can express your opinion on anything you want but you will quickly be informed as to why you are wrong.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Internet Jokes

I'm the only single guy left out of all of my friends. I'm the last man standing. It's like my buddies and I were in a war movie, where we're storming the beach with machine gun nests, only instead of bullets, they're shooting rings.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Friendship Jokes Single People Jokes

I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the f**king miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dating Jokes

A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man:
- ”At your age, how do you do that?”
The man answered, “You just have to keep the motor running.”
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurses said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?”
He said,”I told you that you just have to keep the motor running”. Another year and back tot he hospital for another baby. The same nurse said:
- ”You are unbelievable, how do you do that?!”
He said:
- ”You go to keep that motor running.”
She answered:
- ”Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes Nurse jokes

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes

My grandma has always been interested in technology, so when I got my new smart phone, she wanted me to show her some of its features.
The first thing I demonstrated to her is how to change the screen by swiping it.
I haven't seen grandma or my phone since.

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Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (Carrizozo, New Mexico) …
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Red cars may not drive down Lake Street (Minneapolis, Minnesota) …
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Marriage between cousins is against the law only if they are younger than 65 (Utah) …
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You are not allowed to eat fried chicken any other way than using your hands (Gainesville, Georgia)…
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In San Antonio, Texas, flirting is against the law. …
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Bear wrestling matches are prohibited (Alabama)
You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit (Wyoming)
It’s illegal to attend a public event or use public transport within 4 hours of eating an onions or garlic (Indiana)
In Idaho, it’s illegal for a man to give his fiancé a box of candy that weighs more than 50 lbs (22.5 kg)

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Stupid Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

While watching the Cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my вееr.
Some days I just hate being married to a smart-assed b*tch !!!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dating Jokes Beer Jokes

You can philosophize, talk, and argue all you want about same-sеx marriage, but heterosexual people who have been married (say) “It’s the same sеx all the time.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the вееr holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiот. Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
Medicine.
God must love sтuрid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Procrastinate Now!
I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
Thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
Commitment for a pig.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you
May have to eat them.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Beer Jokes

Wife: I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?
Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.00

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A Lalu brought a simple, spendthrift wife from a small town in Bihar.
He convinced her that they should go for Honeymoon.
The wife would not understand complex term as honeymoon and kept asking for explanation.
Lalu said,
"Let me feel you my manhood in Honeymoon and you would know."
They went.
Had lots of fun and came back.
Wife back at home asked,
"I still don’t understand what is this honeymoon that we went for."
The Husband said,
"Oh, we were together, had so many hugs, kisses, varieties of sеx, jokes, fun all that is honeymoon."
The spendthrift wife got angry, "You should have told me that before. Back in town, Malu, Kalu, Suru and I were together all the times, and had this fun without spending a dime of my money."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sеx before marriage.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Attitude Jokes

An advertisement:
I change 40-year-old wife to two 20-years-old ones.
Do not offer four 10-year-old ones.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

Husband and Wife sitting at home on sofa, Husband Pulls out his phone and starts to check Facebook.
Wife: your always on your phone, why don’t you pay me any attention.
Husband: Maybe because my phone is smart and actually reacts when i finger it

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Marriage and Family Jokes Facebook Jokes

Where does an Irish family go on holiday?
A different bar.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes