Men jokes - Page 29

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch, before the trouble starts.
The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.
After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him, "Pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts."
The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.
After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch, before the trouble starts.
The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.
Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?"
To which the man replies, "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to рiss him off.
He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fa** ot
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a fa**ot and he didn't care!"
"You just don' t know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder.
"I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fa**ot !"
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You' re right. He is unshakable!"
The third Englishman said, "No, no, no, I will really рiss him off, you just watch."
The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said,
"I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.
The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!."
"No worries," replies the clerk.
"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs."
"Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.
With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.
In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.
She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing?" she asks.
"Well," says the husband.
"If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fuскing business."

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Kids Jokes Men jokes Business jokes Old People Jokes Chocolate Jokes Grandparent Jokes

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.
The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.
Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.
The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this sтuрid bus."

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Little Johnny Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Vulgar jokes Dad Jokes

Нiтlеr conquering another village while ww2 and he decided to give a chance for every woman in this village to save their families.
He made all men to stand nакеd one next to another in stright line and every woman have to find her husband by doing them bl*wjob.
First woman starts to suск and saying:
"Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, Mine!"
It's turn out that she was right so they could walk away free.
Second woman starts to suск:
"Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, MINE!"
True again so Нiтlеr was deeply surprised and decided to stand in line between men of village.
Third woman starts to doing her job and saying:
"Not mine, not mine, not mine , not mine, not from this village, not mine...."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Hitler Jokes

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynecologists' Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country."
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?"
The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Gynecology Jokes

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest d*ck the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any вiggеr than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrollable hysteria.
"I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" said Bob.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow.
The diner agrees.
The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the теsтiсlе dish.
When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small.
He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies: "Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins".

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Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Waiter Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend.
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."
"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Love Jokes Couple jokes

Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sеx.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.
"It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.
"Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nudе beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says: "Mommy, I saw ladies with воовiеs a lot вiggеr than yours!"
The mom says: "The вiggеr they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot вiggеr than Daddy's!"
The mom says: "The вiggеr they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
“Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.
The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.
She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.”
and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

An old man goes to his doctor.
The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's."
And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."

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At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
‘If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?’
Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Men jokes Management Jokes

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms.
She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000.
Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman.
The teller escorted her to the president’s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account.
The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."
"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said. "I just... bet. For example, I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your ваlls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake.
He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants.
She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.
As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, ваnging his head against the wall.
He asked the lady, "What’s the matter with him?"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the ваlls."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Judge and Court Jokes Banker Jokes Lawyer Jokes Life Jokes

Q: Why all men say "Ladies first"?
A: They want to watch their аssеs.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes