Men jokes

Most popular in this category
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my dамn money is!"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don’t know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn’t know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, соскs the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my dамn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well... what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says…go to hеll... that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger."
Μετάφραση A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. C'est l'histoire d'un parrain de la mafia, en compagnie de son comptable et de son avocat. Le parrain demande au comptable : - Où sont les 3 millions de dollars que tu as blanchis ?Le comptable ne répond pas. Le parrain monte le ton : - Où sont les 3 millions ??!!L'avocat dit au parrain : - Ne... De peetvader van een maffiaclan kwam er achter dat zijn dove boekhouder 10 miljoen euro verduisterd had. Tevoren dacht hij dat een dove boekhouder een voordeel was, vermits die niet kon... De peetvader van de maffia ontdekt dat zijn boekhouder hem heeft opgelicht voor 10 miljoen Euro. De boekhouder is doof, en dat was een van de voornaamste redenen waarom hij de job kreeg, hierdoor... Кръстникът на мафията открива, че неговият глухоням счетоводител, Гуидо го е измамил с 10 000 000 долара. Понеже е глухоням, кръсникът предполагаше, че никога няма да чуе нищо и по тази причина...
Accountant Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes
In Noah’s ark, on day 3 the animals could no longer hold their sеxuаl desire, so they started having sеx with one another.
But Noah got really angry cause the Ark started shaking dangerously and he decided that it was time to put things in order.
So he ordered that every male should get a card stating the name of his wife and the days they were allowed to mate. So they did…
After a couple of days, during breakfast in the Ark’s cafeteria the monkey said to his wife:
"You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"
The female monkey felt really ashamed because all of the animals heard her husband…
The day after, the male monkey said to his wife again: "You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"
The female monkey feeling really confused, told Noah what had happened, so Noah called the male monkey in his office and asked for an explanation.
“You кinкy monkey! Why do you insist on disgracing your wife in front of all the other animals?” said Noah
“I am not кinкy sir”, said the monkey “I’m just warning her because I lost my card at a poker game and now the elephant has it…”
Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fаrт football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
Sports Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes
- Странно, что у самых больших дураков самые красивые жены! - сказал муж. - Много странно, най-красивите жени се женят за глупаци A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! Mann: "Es ist doch immer wieder erstaunlich, dass die hübschesten Mädchen die größten Idioten heiraten."
Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Beauty Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes
Als een vrouw zwanger is, krijgt ze vaak een bemoedigend klopje op de buik, met de opmerking: Hartstikke goed, meissie" "Maar niemand klopt er dan eens even op de man z'n edele delen, zeggend: Goed... Hard work is never appreciated, only the result matters. … When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say “Congratulations!”. But none of her friends come and touch the tip of... Коли жінка вагітна, друзі торкаються її живота і вітають. Але жоден з них не чіпає пеніс чоловіка і каже: "Гарна робота" . Мораль: "Тяжка робота ніколи не цінується."
Friendship Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Management Jokes Baby Jokes
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. Schwester Agnes tritt in das Kloster des Schweigens ein. Die Oberin Mutter Theresa erklärt ihr:, "Dies ist ein Kloster des Schweigens. Du bist willkommen, so lange du nicht sprichst, bis ich dir... En man beslutade att bli munk och sökte upp ett kloster där huvudregeln var tystnad. Han fick bara säga två ord under varje decennium. Efter tio år kallade abboten honom till sig och sa: - Du kan... Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying,... Αποφασίζει ένας τύπος να μονάσει και μετά απο πολύ ψάξιμο βρίσκει και αυτός μια μονή να αποσυρθεί. Εγκαταλείπει τον κόσμο και τελικά μια μέρα μπαίνει μέσα στην μονή. Βρίσκει πολλούς ακόμα μοναχούς... Zuster Mary gaat binnen in het Klooster van de Stilte. De priester zei: “Zuster, dit is een stil klooster. U bent hier welkom, zolang als je wilt, maar je mag niet spreken enkel als ik je...
Church jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes
Sex Jokes Gross Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes
Friendship Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Beer Jokes
Възрастен господин бил поканен на вечеря от свои стари приятели. lange Ehe Παππούδες - Дядо, направо ви се възхищавам на вашата любов! 50 години брак и още казваш на баба "миличка"! След хубавата вечеря, двете двойки станаха от масата. Дамите отидоха в кухнята, а мъжете в хола. Единият от мъжете казал на другия:
Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Love Jokes
A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week.
So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sеx and they all agree to it.
This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.
Each man gets sеx every fifth week and the woman gets to have sеx whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful.
It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.
Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes
At the doctors office:
Doc: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live…"
Man: "Doctor what on earth are you saying?”, clearly chocked, “Tell me what can I do to live at least a little linger, please…"
Doc: "Do you eat fried food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ill do it"
Doc: "Do you eat fат food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok doc"
Doc: "Do you stay up late?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok"
Doc: "Do you have sеx often?"
Man: "Yes!
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I’ll do that too"
Doc: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I will"
Doc: "Do you drink?"
Man: "Yes..."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me, how longer will I live?"
Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century…"
Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Fat Jokes
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vоdка on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vоdка in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
Religion jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Military Jokes