Men jokes - Page 42

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice sеамаn above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young sеамаn had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."

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A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.
The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run, run!”
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four ваlls went by.
The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!”
Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.
The fаn sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, “He can’t run because he got four ваlls.”
The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, “Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!”

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Scottish Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a вееr.
The bartender looks at the drunк man and says,”I’m sorry sir, but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink.”
The guy swears and walks out of the bar.
Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a вееr.
Again the bartender says,”I’m sorry, sir…but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink!”
Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a вееr.
Again, the bartender says to the man…”I’m really sorry, sir, but you’ve had too much to drink…you’re going to have to leave!”
The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at?!”

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?
A: He is all right now.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Q: What would it be a good idea for you to do after a man takes your wife?
A: Let him keep her!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks her, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

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Sex Jokes Car and driving jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

Have you ever seen the serial number on a соndом?
No?
Oh sorry, you must not have to roll it down that far.

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Men jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

There's 3 army generals and the government decides to pay them any way they want measured.
First guy says measure from the tip of my toe to the end of my finger.
So they do and its 73 inches so they pay him $730,000.
The second guy does the same and gets paid $650,000.
The third guy goes measure from the tip of my реnis to the back of my ваlls.
They say OK drop your pants, so he does and they measure.
"You have no ваlls" they say.
"Yes I do," he replies, "they're still in Vietnam.

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Military Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Husband says: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Communication Jokes

A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives:
1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident.
2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunк that died from an airplane accident.
3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience.
I'll take the lawyers heart.
After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient:
"Why did you choose the lawyers heart?"
"Simple! I chose the heart that was less used..."

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Judge and Court Jokes Car and driving jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Business jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Aviation Jokes

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

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Parent Jokes Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Men jokes Baby Jokes

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The Bartender says, "Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The man replies "I don't know but its driving me nuts".

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A couple goes to Mexico City on vacation and eats at a famous local restaurant.
The waiter tells them they have a delicious special every Sunday, so the couple orders the special.
With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping.
It smells delicious and tastes even better.
The couple is delighted with their meal, and the husband asks the waiter what fabulous meat was in the dish.
"Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's ваlls you ate."
The couple is a bit taken aback by what they have just eaten, but it was delicious, so they get over it.
Six months later, the couple returns to Mexico City and decides to go to the same restaurant.
Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.
Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table.
But this time, there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.
The man says, "Excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this portion so small?"
The waiter smiles and replies, "Well, you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!"

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Mexican jokes Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Restaurant Jokes

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

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Men jokes Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him.
"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects?
How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes Funeral jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Man to friend: ‘I read a survey that said half the men in the UK маsтurвате in the shower, and the other half sing.
Do you know what they sing?’
Friend: ‘No I don’t.’
Man: ‘I thought you wouldn’t.’

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Masturbation jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand.
It being hot and him being thirsty, he decided to stop.
Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass. Well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway.
He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig.
He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up."
The kid replieds, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents."
To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime."
"It is," the little boy replies, "That's all you can drink for a dime."

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Business jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Single People Jokes

A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a соndом!"
After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."

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Parent Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Phone jokes

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!"
He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators.
So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge.
All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hеll and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiот that pushed me in..."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes