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Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited on the eve of the millennium to have dinner with God. After a little bit of small talk, God informed them that he would be destroying the earth the next day. Upon returning to earth, they each made announcemnts.
"I have two piece of bad news," said Boris Yeltsin. "One, God does exist. Two, all of the earth will be destroyed tomorrow."
"I have some good news and some bad news," said Bill Clinton. "First, the good - God does exist. And the bad - the earth will be destroyed tomorrow."
"I have some great news!" said Bill Gates. "One, I'm one of the three most important people on earth. Two, we've got this Y2K thing solved!"
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said,
"Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said,
"Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said,
"We're planning World War III."
The guy asked,
"Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said,
"Well, we're going to кill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna кill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said,
"See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a рrоsтiтuте..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, Dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a рrоsтiтuте dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."
Whose Son is He?
About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ''Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?''
''Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'''
''What did he say?'' Bush asked.
''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.''
Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.'' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
''Dan,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?''
Quayle looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?'' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.'' Quayle called Baker on the phone.
''Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''That would be me,'' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
''Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. President, I have the answer!''
''Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''It's Jim Baker!'' said Quayle.
''No,'' said Bush. ''It's Shevardnadze.''