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Nurse jokes

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I owe my life to Justin BieberOn March 9th, 2009 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash.
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song.
So I got up and turned the radio off.
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How many yankees does it take to sсrеw in an lightbulb?
None. Thats what rednecks are for.
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A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his реnis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them."
At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,
"Are my test results back?"
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A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rестаl thermometer and said, "Don't move - I'll be right back."
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?"
Then the man said, "I hiccupped."
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Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.
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Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!
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Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. One to do it, one to chart it and ten to write the policy and procedure.
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.
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A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."
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A punk rocker with acute appendicitis needs immediate surgery.
As the nurse preps the punk rocker, she finds that her рuвiс hair is dyed green with a tattoo above, reading "Keep off the grass."
After the operation, the punk rocker wakes up to find a small note taped to her belly: "Sorry - had to mow the lawn."
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Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.
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Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viаgrа to the old men living there?
It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.
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Q: What do you call a nurse with dirтy knees?
A: The head nurse.
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Don't Question Your Doctor Untersuchung beim Urologen доктор говорит пациенту: - вам нужно прекратить мастурбировать. -... Старик пришел на прием к окулисту. - Госпожо, трябва да спрете маструбирането! Вчера ходих при джипи-то. A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked. A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating." Ein Mann beim Urologen. Der Urologe: „Sie müssen unbedingt mit dem Onanieren aufhören!“ Der Mann: „Warum denn das?“ Der Urologe: „Weil ich Sie sonst nicht untersuchen kann!“ Доктор към пациент: - Трябва да спрете да мастурбирате? - Защо, докторе? - Защото ми пречи да ви прегледам. Po badaniu okulista mówi do pacjenta: - Koniecznie powinien Pan ograniczyć onanizowanie się... - Jaki ma to wpływ na wzrok? - Na wzrok żaden, ale strasznie denerwuje Pan ludzi w poczekalni. My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied,... En kille är hos doktorn, och läkaren säger: – Du måste sluta onanera! – Varför det? Är det farligt? – Nej, men det gör de andra patienterna upprörda! Kvinnen var hos gynekologen da gynekologen påpeker at hun må slutte å leke så mye med underlivet sitt. - Hvorfor det, jeg har hørt at onani er sunt svarte kvinnen. - Ja, det er sant det, men nå må... Arzt: Sie müssen dringend mit dem Mastubieren aufhören Patient: Warum? Arzt: Ich kann sie sonst nicht untersuchen En mand kommer ind til lægen. Lægen siger: “Du er nødt til at holde op med at onanere” Manden: “Hvorfor” Lægen: “Fordi ellers kan jeg ikke undersøge dig” Urologen säger till patienten: – Du måste sluta att onanera så häftigt. – Varför då? – Annars kan jag inte undersöka dig. Młoda i atrakcyjna lekarz geriatra bada sędziwego dziadka. Po kilku chwilach badania orzeka: - Musi pan przestać się onanizować. - Dlaczego?! - Bo probuję pana przebadać... Der Arzt zum Patienten: „Sie müssen dringend aufhören zu onanieren.“ Patient: „Wieso?“ Arzt: „Ich kann Sie so nicht untersuchen!“ Kävin lääkärissä valittamassa outoa alavatsakipua. Lääkäri käski minua lopettamaan masturbointi. ”Ai, onko se vaarallista”, kysyin. ”Ei”, vastasi lääkäri, ”mutta se häiritsee keskittymistäni”, Mikko meni taannoin lääkärille ja vastaanotolla lääkäri totesi: - Se on kulkaas nyt aika lopettaa masturbointi. - Miksi niin? Kysäisi Mikko. - Aion tutkia teidät nyt, vastasi lääkäri Doktorn: Du måste sluta onanera. Jag: Va? Du kan inte mena allvar! Varför? Doktorn: För att det här är ett väntrum Két barát beszélget: - Voltam orvosnál. - És, mi volt? - Azt mondta a doki, hogy hagyjam abba a maszturbálást. - Miért? - Mert nem tud megvizsgálni! Ārsts pacientam: "Jums jāpārtarauc masturbēt". - "Kāpēc, daktera kungs?"- "Tapēc , ka tas traucē jūsu apskati" Arzt: „Sie müssen sofort aufhören zu onanieren!“ Patient: „Wieso das denn?“ Arzt: „Weil ich Sie sonst nicht untersuchen kann!“
A guy goes to the eye doctor. In the middle of the exam, the doctor tells him, "You need to stop маsтurватing."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting my nurse and me."
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A GOOD ONE... enjoy.
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....
Scroll down for what happened...
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
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Two gаy men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sреrм and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.''
''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his аss.''
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A biker had been injured in an accident and was hospitalized. Several nurses each had the opportunity to give him a sponge bath and were commenting on his gеniтаls. They all had noticed a tattoo of the word ''Little.
" So they drew straws to see who would find out what the whole tattoo said. The nurse with the shortest straw went into the guy's room while the others waited in the hall. Suddenly, they heard a commotion, then moans of passion and a piercing scream. Finally, she came out of the room with her skirt up around her waist, her раnтiеs around one ankle and a contented smile on her face. The others ask her what she found out.
"It says 'Little Rock Arkansas, Big Diск Champion, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998!'''
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Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urinе?
A: Line dancing at a nursing home.
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A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.
While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice - except they won't let you fаrт."
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Gehirn kaufen En man kom in i ett charkuteri för att köpa hjärna till middagen. Det fanns många olika sorter så han frågade expediten: - Hur mycket kostar ingenjörshjärna? - 50 kronor hektot. - Och en lärarhjärna? - 30 kronor hektot. - Vad tar ni för... En man gick in till en köttaffär för att köpa hjärna till söndagsmiddagen. Det fanns många olika sorter så han frågade expediten, - Hur mycket kostar ingenjörshjärna? - 70 kronor kilot. - Och... A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of...
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’ So he asks the man behind the cash register, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?” The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”
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Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
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