Old People Jokes

A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs.
Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder.
They ask the girl:
"What kind of powder is that?"
"Неrоin"
"But hеrоin is matte-white, and this powder is orange."
"This is a kids' heroine – orange taste."

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Chuck Norris was born Sept. 1 1945.
World War 2 ended Sept. 2 1945.
What a coincidence.

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Military Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Old People Jokes

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and he really needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled, "Teacher, Teacher, I have to go рее рее!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, you should be old enough to know that this is not the proper word to use?"
"The correct word would be urinate."
"Now Johnny, would you please use the word urinate in a sentence?"
Little Johnny thought for a moment then said:, "You're an eight, but if you had вiggеr воовs you'd be a ten!"

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Old People Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Communication Jokes Boob Jokes

Lady goes to her doc.
"Doc, I have quite the problem. I can't control my gas. All day long I'm farting and farting. The only good news is they are the 'silent but deadly' type.
The Doc pauses for a moment and replies, "first let's get you fitted for a hearing aid."

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Men vs Women Jokes

Management of the Retirement Village having an open day could not work out why visitors were stopping near the front gate and then driving away. None stopped to visit. Finally the General Manager went to investigate and found the gardener had left a sign beside the gate which said "FOR SALE -OLD SLEEPERS".

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Old People Jokes Office and Work Jokes Military Jokes Boss Jokes

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 81 years old,” the son answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

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Military Jokes Old People Jokes

In the metro an old lady apostrophizes a niggеr who was sitting calm in a seat:
In my country, the ladies stay on the sits, and young boys like you stay in their feet!
In my country, Africa, the boys stay in the middle of the fire, and the ladies stay in the kettles, boiling.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Old People Jokes Africa Jokes Black People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A woman on the phone to her friend...

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising!

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I веnт, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes Fitness jokes

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shiт mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."
(WHACK...she spanks him)
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know mum, but it won't be fuскing Fruit Loops."

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Old People Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

Your mama so old she was friends with Cleopatra.

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Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
“Daddy, were you in a war?”
“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”

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Military Jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom.
He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower.
He looks at her crotch and says, "Whats that?" She says:
"Well, it's a веаvеr, Johnny."
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower.
He says:
"Mom I know what that is. It's a веаvеr, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."

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Dirty jokes Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.
His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful!
I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

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Marriage and Family Jokes Car and driving jokes Old People Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son. I want to have a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”
“You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.”
Even more perplexed the insurer, asks:
"Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
“127. ”
“127? And what will you do in Europe?”
He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”
Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”
“He is … Oh, 150.”
And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”
“Вullshiт, you know his parents are pressing him!”

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Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Europe and European Union Jokes Grandparent Jokes Insurance Comedy

What is so special about the retirement age?
"It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one's job."

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Old People Jokes Office and Work Jokes

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on вееr cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Fitness jokes Beer Jokes

"Hi! My name is Gertrude," said the lady next to him on the plane.
"It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable.
Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!
He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice 'Hi Grandma!' It just gets me all teary eyed."
After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.
"You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me.. what do you think about my Grandson!"

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Old People Jokes Men jokes

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

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Old People Jokes

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

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Kids Jokes Old People Jokes

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...
Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

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One-Liner Jokes Old People Jokes