Jokes about Police Officers

Yo mama so scary, every time someone throws shots, she calls the police.

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Police today arrested a Thalidomide couple at Heathrow Airport.
They were charged under the terrorism act, for trying to take small arms onto a plane.

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A Policeman pulls over a motorist for running a stop sign.
The motorists says, "What's the problem officer, I slowed down for that stop sign?"
The officer replies, "I know you slowed down, but you are supposed to stop."
"But officer, I slowed down, what's the difference?"
"The difference is, you're supposed to stop.", says the officer.
"But I slowed down!" replied the motorist.
The officer says, "Let me explain it to you this way.
I'm going to drag your scrawny аss out of your car, then I'm going to take this stick I carry on my belt and I'm going to start beating you with it.
After five minutes I'm going to ask you, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Police Officer Jokes

What did the cops do when 600 hares escaped the zoo?
–the cops had to comb the area

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Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes Zoo Jokes

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, “Do you think I’m sтuрid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”
I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”
He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

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Police Officer Jokes Stupid Jokes

A man knocked on a door an a women answered and he asked if he could use her toilet.
She said you have 3 chances, if you do 3 things wrong I`ll call the police.
So he went to рiss but on the flush chain there was a вrа so he ripped it off.
Then when he was walking down the stairs he saw her cat called Воовs on the step & he hates cats so he squezed it & then threw it up the stairs.
He then went in the kitchen where the women was & the women said why did you throw my cat up the stairs?
He said I don`t know.
While she went to get it, on the table was a glass of milk which he then drank.
When the women came back she said you had your 3 chances now I'm calling the Police.
When the police came they asked her what the man had done. She said this man has ripped her вrа off, squezed her Воовs and drank her milk.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Boob Jokes

What did the Alabama sherriff call the niggеr who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

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Black People Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a вlоw to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it””s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to кill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Communication Jokes Boss Jokes Alien Jokes

A man fell out of a tenth-story window.
He's lying on the ground with a big crowd around him.
A cop walks over and says, "What happened?"
The guy says, "I don't know, I just got here."

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

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Jokes about Women Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone РISSING on his Ferrari.
"Hey," says the man. "Why are you рissing on my Ferrari?"
"Because I feel like it."
"Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari."
"Whatever."
So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour.
Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up.
"I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?"
"It's easy," says the running man, "when your d**k is stuck in the door."

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Car and driving jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Gross Jokes

What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig

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Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes Dwarf Jokes

One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot those two dead boys.
If you don't believe this joke is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

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Sick and Death Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

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Police Officer Jokes

A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.

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Sports Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Crazy USA Laws …
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Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours (North Carolina) …
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In Quitman, Georgia, Chickens are not allowed to cross the road … (Well there go a thousand jokes!) …
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Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down (Paulding, Ohio) …
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If you cut down a cactus, you could be sentenced to 25 years in prison. (Arizona)
You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday (Rhode Island)
In Texas, it’s illegal to sell your eyeballs.
It’s against the law to sing off-key in North Carolina.
In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone’s ear while they’re moose hunting.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes USA Jokes Police Officer Jokes Stupid Jokes Dog jokes

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

What do you call a clairvoyant мidgет who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

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Police Officer Jokes Prison Jokes

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38:
'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

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