Jokes about Police Officers

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with “what do you mean I already did it” then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said “Aww it pays to be lazy!”

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Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads “Two Blackmen wanted for rаре!”
Paddy turns to Мiск and says “Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs”.

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Police Officer Jokes Irish jokes

Yo mama's so fат, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them.

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Police Officer Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed.
She could see the light was on from the bedroom window.
As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said:
"I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Phone jokes

A cop is staking out a bar for drunк drivers.
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.
Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask.
The lawyer puts it in his pocket.
‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor.
‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.’

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Police Officer Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Police Officer says "We'll never forget 9/11..."
In my mind: "I hope not It's your dамn number!"

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Police Officer Jokes History Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

A policeman pulled me over and asked if I had anything in my pockets that might hurt him.
I answered, “No, just this nакеd photo of my girlfriend.”
How was I to know it was his wife?

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Police Officer Jokes Cheating Jokes

Man, to friend, ‘A thief has stolen my wife’s credit card.
Last month he ran up a bill of over a thousand pounds.’
‘That’s terrible,’ says the friend.
‘You should report this thief to the police.’
‘I would,’ says the man.
‘But at the moment he’s spending less than my wife does.’

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Money jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying.
A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
“Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman.
Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing.
In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.”
The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying!
You should be the happiest man in the world!”
So the old man says, “I know!
I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their реnis through a hole in my fence and рее into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his реnis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes

Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning.
"My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to кill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife.
"Honey!" he began, "Don't call the cops and don't pay the ransom."
"I escaped!"

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God Jokes Police Officer Jokes Secretary Jokes

From the State where drunк driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunк comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sеx in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunк wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunк comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunк goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunк!!
Hahahahaha wot a fuскing LAUGH!

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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes Dad Jokes Car and driving jokes

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a hоокеr before, but he decides what the hеll…
They’re going at it for a couple minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-it’s a police officer. “What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Cheating Jokes

Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
“Aye, so I have ’tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…”
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test.”
Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Irish jokes Friendship Jokes

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Boss Jokes

Q:What not to say to the nice policeman?
A:I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

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Office and Work Jokes Military Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A computer programmer has been missing from work for over a week.
Finally someone notices and calls the police.
They break down the door of his flat where they find him dead in the shower, an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body.
The programmer seems to have died from a combination of exposure and exhaustion.
The puzzle is explained when the police read the instructions on the shampoo bottle – ‘Wet hair.
Apply shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.’

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Office and Work Jokes Programmer Jokes Police Officer Jokes Computer Jokes

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm.
An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

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Car and driving jokes Police Officer Jokes Phone jokes

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

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Kids Jokes Police Officer Jokes School Jokes