Jokes about Police Officers

I was drinking in a really rough pub with my mate when we were approached by 10 tough looking fella’s.
“Lets pretend we are the police” my mate whispered to me.
Anyway, they beat the shiт out of us before I got to the second verse of Roxanne.

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A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rаре case police line-up. …
As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted out, “Yep, dot’s her!”

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

Two policemen knocked on my door just now.
They said, “We’ve been getting complaints.”
“You should start doing a better fuскing job then.

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Police Officer Jokes Masturbation jokes

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Business jokes Banker Jokes

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in their area.
The police tell the drunк party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door.
They ask if Mr. SMITH is there and his wife says yes.
They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license.
They ask to see his car and she asks why.
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find their police car, with the lights still flashing.

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I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

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One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked,
"Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

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Police Officer Jokes Military Jokes

Yo momma’s so sтuрid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn’t find the ‘11’ button in ‘9-1-1’.

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Police Officer Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

My old Granddad was mugged in the park last week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen. The police arrived and took a description of the attacker alongside other details.
“How much cash was in your wallet, sir?” asked the police officer.
“£800,” said Granddad.
“OK, sir,” said the police officer as he was leaving, “we’ll let you know if we find out anything.”
Granddad, I said, where did you get 800 pounds ? You don’t have that kind of money.
I know, said Granddad, but if they catch the сunт it’s my word against his.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway.
As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground.
A passing police car pulled over.
As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!"
As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing.
"Do you realize your arm is gone?" asked the policeman?
The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
"My rolex, my brand new rolex!"

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Lawyer Jokes Police Officer Jokes

One night, a lady with a black eye stumbled into the police station.
She told the desk sergeant that she had heard a noise in her back yard and gone to investigate.
The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.
‘Did you get hit by the same attacker?’ his captain asked.
‘No, sir,’ he replied. ‘I stepped on the same rake.’

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Military Jokes

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viаgrа. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

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Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his аss, chocolate sprinkles on his реnis and strawberry sauce on his воllоскs.
Police think he topped himself.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Police Officer Jokes Chocolate Jokes

A schoolteacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."
What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go.
I didn't realize you were a cop."

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Think there’s a problem with my iPhone. The battery dies quicker than a black guy in the back of a police van.

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up.
He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says.
"It all happened so fast."

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Military Jokes

Hot Shot Rookie A rookie patrol officer stopped a car for speeding.
The driver asked,
"Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"?
The officer said,"Sure".
He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car.
"Anything else?" said the rookie.

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A man gats kicked out of police camp after writing “Who’s that Pokémon” next to all of the chalk outlines

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Police Officer Jokes

Here- why are you trying to cross the road in this dangerous place? There’s a zebra crossing just a few yards up the road, said the policeman.
Well, I hope he’s having better luck than I am, said the pedestrian.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Police Officer Jokes