School Jokes

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Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "what we are going to do today class is, I am going to give you a letter and I want someone to raise their hand and if l call on you l want you to give me a word that begins with that letter. So The teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say аsshоlе so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."
"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"
Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and says "please please pick me" so the teacher thinks for a moment and inside her head knows he'll say вiтсh or ваsтаrd, so she skips over Little Johnny and calls on Little Brad and Little Brad replies "boat."
"Very good Brad" the teacher says. "Now how about C" the teacher asks.
Immediately Little Johnny's eyes light up and this time says "oh pick me, pick me l know one" the teacher instantly goes right to Little Bobby and he says "car."
"That's a good one Bobby."
So the teacher does the same thing with the letter D and ignores Little Jonny raising his hand.
Now the teacher says "You're all doing a great job class, how about E" this time Little Johnny stands up waving his arms begging for a chance.
So the teacher pauses for a solid 10 to 15 seconds and can't think of one bad word that begins with the letter E.
So she reluctantly calls on Little Johnny and Little Johnny very nicely and calmly says "Elephant" and before the much-relieved teacher can even exhale, Little Johnny puts both hands up out in front of himself approximately two feet apart and yells out "with a fuскing соск this big!
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- ¿ Mamá la luz se come? - Mamá.. Mamá,¿la luz se come? - No hija, porque me lo preguntas. - Porque Papa le esta diciendo a la criada; apaga la luz y métetela en la boca. - Mamma, kan man äta glödlamporna? - Det är ju klart att man inte kan. - Men mamma, du sa ju till pappa igår: Släcker du lampan tar jag den i munnen. De juffrouw vraagt in de klas: “Wat is het grootste ding dat je in de mond kunt stoppen?” Jantje steekt zijn vinger op en zegt: “Een schemerlamp, juffrouw!" "Dat kan toch helemaal niet,” zegt de... -Mamá, dime, ¿tú puedes coger la lámpara con la boca? - ¡Pero, hijo, qué pregunta más tonta me estás haciendo! - Pues yo le he oído muy bien a la criada lo que le estaba diciendo a papá: si tú...
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Госпожата пита Иванчо: - Иванчо, кажи ми пет африкански животни. La señorita le pregunta a Jaimito: Lehrerin: „Fritzchen, nenne mir bitte fünf Tiere aus Afrika?“ Fritzchen: „Zwei Löwen und drei Elefanten.“ Il figlio chiede aiuto al padre per fare i compiti. "Papà, mi puoi dire 5 animali che vivono al Polo Nord?" "Certo, 3 foche e 2 pinguini!" Na lekcji biologii pani pyta uczniów: - Proszę wymienić pięć drapieżników. - Jeden lew i cztery tygrysy. W szkole pani prosi Jasia: - Wymień cztery zwierzęta afrykańskie. - Słoń i trzy żyrafy. – Kan du säga tio djur som bor på Grönland? – Nio isbjörnar och en valross. — Вовочко, назви десять африканських тварин. — Шість мавп і чотири крокодили. De meester vraagt aan Jantje: noem eens vijf dieren in Afrika! Jantje:twee olifanten en drie tijgers Pani od biologii pyta Jasia: - Jasiu wymień mi 5 zwierząt mieszkających w Afryce. Na to Jaś: - 2 małpy i 3 słonie. Öğretmen Osman’a sordu: - Osman evladım, bana on tane vahşi hayvan sayabilir misin? Osman başladı saymaya: - Aslan, kaplan, kurt, ayı ve altı tane kartal öğretmenim. La maitresse à Toto lui demande de citer 10 animaux africains. Alors le petit toto repond : - La giraffe, l'éléphant et... 8 lions !
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Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
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Учител по музика към Иванчо: учитель музыки говорит вовочке: - предупреждаю, что если не будешь... Учителката по пиано: Учитель музики говорить Вовочці: — Попереджаю, що якщо не будеш поводитися як слід, я скажу твоїм батькам, що в тебе є талант!
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A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon.
The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.'
Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'
The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. '
This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!''
Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?''
Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!''
Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?
''Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'
A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives: 1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident. 2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunk that died from an airplane accident. 3. The last one is a lawyers... Starszy człowiek potrzebuje przeszczepu serca i omawia różne opcje z lekarzem. Lekarz mówi: - Mamy trzech potencjalnych dawców. Pierwszy to młody, zdrowy kulturysta, który zginął w wypadku... En gammel rig mand med dårligt hjerte, beder en læge om at gennemsøge hele verden, for at finde det bedste donorhjerte. Penge er ikke noget problem. Et par dage senere ringer lægen til manden, og... An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.
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