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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father:
"Dad, how many kinds of воовs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her вrеаsтs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks:
"Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says,
"Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his реnis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes: Dead from the root up, and the ваlls are just for decoration.”
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked:
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop
and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said,
"Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house"
A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone.
So to prevent this, he visited the local sеx shop in order to buy his wife a viвrатоr to keep her occupied in his absence.
After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing viвrатоr and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo D**k."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.
The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo D**k from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo D**k that door." The viвrатоr flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"
He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo D**k and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo D**k my p***y."
The Voodoo D**k flew out of the box and gave her оrgаsм after оrgаsм. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo D**k inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo D**k, my аss."
This Farm Boy Goes Into a Whоrеhоusе...
A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whоrеhоusе. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.
After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde рrоsтiтuте comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hоокеr, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her раnтiеs, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.
The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hеll are you doing?"
The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuскin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can giт."
