Soccer Jokes

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After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, "Everyone should call in and give one word for that game."
"What's your word?" the host  replied.
"Bored out of my mind," said the caller.

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Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?
Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

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Barcelona beats every team in the world, Chuck Norris can beat Barcelona... by himself.

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The moon is just a football Chuck Norris kicked up when he was a kid.

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Four men were stranded in a desert.
Suddenly, 1 of them died.
The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.
The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."
The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"

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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's вrа.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sеx.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

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James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United.
They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.
One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16.
The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.
Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season.
Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'.
'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'

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An Arabic kid joined my football team.
All he did was вlоw the plays.

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Q: Why aren't Pakistani good at Football?
A: Because every time they get a Corner, they open a shop.

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Did you hear the NFL is changing the color off the football to green?
Yeah, you ever hear of a black person droping a watermelon?

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A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. "Are you crazy," hollered the coach, "we don’t give tryouts to turkeys."
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
"That was amazing," exclaimed the coach.
"I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?"
"Don’t worry about money," said the turkey, "let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?"

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A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said:
"I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks:
"Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered:
"I think... no... yes... I’m not sure... what about 4?"
"Did you say 4?" the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming:
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, or attack the referee.
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a worthless idiот' is it?''
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain all that to your parents."

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Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
"I blame the general manager," said the first fаn. "If he signed better players, we'd be a great team."
"I blame the players," said the second fаn. "If they made more of an effort, we'd score some points."
"I blame my parents," said the third. "If I'd been born in Seattle, I'd be supporting a decent team."

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There was a blonde who was at an all blonde football game.
At halftime she was called down to answer questions to see if she could win $1000.
The first question was what is 10 plus 11?
She hesitates and says, "hm.. 5!"
The host says "No, I'm sorry thats incorrect."
All of the blondes in the stadium chanted "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
So the host agrees and said, "Ok how about 5 plus 5."
She answers and says "20".
Again all the blondes chanted "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
So the host agrees again and says, "OK, last chance, what is 2 plus 2."
The blonde says "4!" and the audience says "Give her another chance give her another chance!"

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The one thing I've learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn't mastered the haircut.

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Q: What do you get if you cross a dirтy politician with a filthy womanizer?
A: Chelsea.

62 1

Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?
A: Because they can't stop saving their work.

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Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club.
He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fuскеd every week !'

28 1

Q: What's a terrorists favorite American football team?
A: The New York Jets.

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