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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here.
Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, “How long were you married?”
The first guy says, “24 years.”
“Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, Peter asked.
The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times…but you said I was forgiven.”
Peter said, “yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good.”
Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Lincoln.”
The 3rd guy walked up and said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask.
I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”
Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
“I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!”
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A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sеx with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sеx with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"
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На една баба й омръзнал животът и решила да се самоубие. Бабата што решила да се самоубие В болницата оперират баба с огнестрелна рана в лявото коляно. Решила бабка покончить с собой. Звонит участковому врачу: Eine 93-jährige Witwe trauerte sehr über den kürzlichen Tod ihres Mannes und sie beschloss, sie würde sich einfach umbringen, um ihrem Mann nahe zu sein. A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. A woman goes to a doctor, doctor, I'm tired of life, want to finish my life, what is best to kill myself? The doctor says: "Should yourself 5 cm under your breast, you will be dead!" 2 weeks later, woman back at doctors, what happened? I shot myself into my knee. Eine Oma beim Arzt : "Wo ist eigentlich das Herz?" Arzt : "2cm unter den Brustwarzen." Nächsten Tag in der Zeitung : Frau wollte Selbstmord begehen und schoss sich ins Knie
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