Accountant jokes, Accounting Jokes

A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my gеniтаls so they declared me disabled... but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here in the government offices, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our ваlls for the first two hours. No point your coming in for that."

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Accountant Jokes

It's 4:04.
Do you know where your auditor is?

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Accountant Jokes

A wife to her husband as they watch their young son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child.
Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."

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Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.

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Q: Why does Santa have an accountant in the USA?
A: So he can avoid Gift Taxes.

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Q: What do you call a trial balance that doesn't balance?
A: A late night.

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Accountant Jokes

Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

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Q: What do you call a group financial controller who's lost his job?
A: Bob.

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Q: Why do accountants make good lovers?
A: They're great with figures.

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Q: Why accountants don't read novels?
A: Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train.
The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!"
The door opens just a сrаск and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

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Q: How do tax accountants make a bold fashion statement?
A: Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.

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Accountant Jokes Beauty Jokes Tax jokes

A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant.
The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions.
"Was he tall or was he short?"
The businessman replies, "Both!"

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Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical?
They have strong internal controls.

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Accountant Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Q: Who was the first accountant?
A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, вuggеrеd up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

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Accountant Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh?
Net Present Value.

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Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly.
The general told them, "We had a сrаск regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"

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Q: And the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A: Jail.

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Four Laws of Accounting:
1. Trial balances don't.
2. Bank reconciliations never do.
3. Working capital does not.
4. Return on investments never will.

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An old man was accounting manager in a company.
Every day when he was coming to office, at his desk, he was opening the drawer, seeing something in it very carefully, then he was closing the drawer back.
After twenty years of work at the same position, one day he died.
After his funeral, his colleagues came to his office to check out what was in his drawer, they opened the drawer, in a piece of paper very bold it was written "Debit Left, Credit Right"

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An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.
He notices there a machine with the indication: "Put A Dollar in the Slot and the Machine will Tell you who you are!"
Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and he waits.
The machine suddenly sounds;
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
The man blacked out with the machine's ability.
So, he decided to trick the machine.
He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago," says the machine.
"But it's impossible!" screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.
He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.
Then, he did the same routine.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.
-You're John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your вullshiтs you.. lost the train!

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Q: What is the definition of an extroverted tax accountant?
A: Someone who stares at YOUR shoes when talking to you.

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Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?
A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.

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Did you hear about the cannibal Tax Accountant?
She charges an arm and a leg.

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