Christmas Jokes

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Christmas Jokes
Christmas Jokes
Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial
You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."
Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.
The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"
Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.
Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dореy, now Eisner and Sleepy."
$, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.
The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Но, Но, Но" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused fасiаl expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."
Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.
Christmas Jokes
What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A Christmas Quacker! Q: What do you call a реnguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?
A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there. Q: Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
A: Carbon footprints Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
A: Dancer! Q: What do you get if you put a веll on a skunk?
A: Jingle smells Q: Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A: They were two deer. Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper! Q: What happens to elves when they are naughty?
A: Santa gives them the sack! Q: What do you call a deer who can’t see?
A: No eye-deer! Q: What is the best Christmas present?
A: A broken drum, you can't beat it! Q: How does Christmas Day end?
A: With the letter Y! Q: What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A: Sandy Claus! Q: Who delivers presents to cats?
A: Santa Paws! Q: What says Oh Oh Oh?
A: Santa walking backwards! Q: Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
A: Because they always drop their needles! Q:How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
A: On the dark side! Q: What goes Но Но Whoosh, Но Но Whoosh?
A: Santa going through a revolving door! Q: What did the sea Say to Santa?
A: Nothing! It just waved! Q: What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
A: Santa Paws! Q: What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
A: St Nickerless
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These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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Малко момченце пише писмо до Дядо Коледа: Дете: Желба Α letter to santa Claus Un bambino a babbo natale: Малко момченце писало на Дядо Коледа: "Изпрати ми сестричка!". Маленький хлопчик написав Діду Морозу: Dziecko do świętego Mikołaja: - Przyślij mi na święta braciszka. Święty Mikołaj do dziecka: - To przyślij mi przed świętami swoją mamusię. A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy." Un enfant écrit au Père Noël : - Cher Père Noël, pour Noël, mon voeu le plus cher serait d'avoir une petite soeur. Réponse du Père Noël : - Pas de problème, envoie-moi ta mère! En gang skrev en lille dreng til julemanden ”Gider du være sød og give mig en lillesøster?”. Så skrev julemanden tilbage ”Okay, lån mig lige din mor” Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother." Santa - "Send me your mother." Bambino: “Caro Babbo Natale, come regalo quest’anno mandami un fratellino”. Babbo Natale: “Caro bambino, mandami tua madre”. Bulişor îi scrie lui Moş Crăciun: - Anul asta, să-mi trimiţi un frăţior! De Crăciun, Bulişor nu primeşte nimic. Supărat, îi scrie din nou lui Moş Crăciun: - De ce nu mi-ai trimis frăţiorul? Anul... Bula, la 5 ani ii trimite scrisoare mosului de Craciun: ,,Draga Mosule, vreau sa am un fratior mai mic'' Mosul o citeste, si ii trimite lui Bula o alta scrisoare: ,,Atunci trimite-mi-o pe mamica ta!'' Un copilas ii scrie lui Mos Craciun: - Trimite-mi un fratior Mos Craciun raspunde: - Trimite-mi-o mai intaii pe mata. Pepíček píše Ježíškovi „Pošli mi sestřičku“. On odpovídá „Tak mi pošli maminku.“ Toto écrit au Père Noël : - «Cher Pere Noel, Cette année, ce que je voudrais, c'est une petite soeur. Toto» Il reçoit une réponse quelques jours plus tard : - «Cher Toto, Pas de problèmes,... Му пишало некое дете на Дедо Мраз „Дедо Мраз те молам прати ми сестричка". Дедо Мраз му пишал "Ок, прати ја мајка ти"
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A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills.
He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner.
That night, they make love for one hour.
The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy.
"Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.
That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours.
The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call.
A little boy answers the phone.
Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks.
"I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says.
"Let me tell you. Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my аss hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty. "
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One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee рот and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Навечерието на празника. В тиха зимна нощ камък и дърво се пукало от студ.
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