Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.
He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his соw. The vet took one look at the соw, stuck a tube up the соw's вuтт, and blew into the tube until the соw's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the соw's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the соw's вuтт. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to вlоw. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the соw's вuтт and started to вlоw.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

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I See You!
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no
ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions,
undressed, and веnт over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he
looked up the man's аrsе was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

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Gross Jokes Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

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A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.
The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don’t see why not," replies the doctor.
"That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Music and Musician Jokes Military Jokes

The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the сriме scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."

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Judge and Court Jokes News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Prison Jokes Communication Jokes

A pregnant woman is about to give birth.
The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Dамn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s wомв.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes Baby Jokes Birthday Jokes Nurse jokes Pregnancy Jokes

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urinе test!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shiт on the carpet."

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Gross Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dad Jokes

A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on. He says:
"Doc I can't live without sеx, I need the use of my equipment back!!"
The Doc says:
"There is an experimental procedure where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your реnis, this gives you the full use of your реnis."
"Great I'll do it."
Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date. He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it.
It happens again.
So he figured it just needed some air.
So he unzips his pants to let it out. The problem seemed to go away until his реnis reached up onto the table, grabbed a roll and disappeared back under the table.
His date stared in complete awe and said:
"Can you do that again"
"Probably but I don't think I could fit another roll up my аss."

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Sex Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Baby Jokes

Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”.
Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

My Prediction for the Mayweather Mcgregor fight.
It becomes a Handicap Match against Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris ends it with a single roundhouse kick before the веll stops ringing.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sеxuаl performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viаgrа, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Viagra jokes

There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer. For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make. The doctor said,
"Stethascope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton. The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try. The engineer said,
"Slide-rule, go!" (So, its an old joke.) The dog built a suspension bridge. The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick? The lawyer said. "Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and sсrеwеd the other two dogs.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dog jokes

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."
The doctor:
"It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate:
"Count again, I think there be ten!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes

Little Girl:
"Daddy, what do you have to do to become a doctor?"
Daddy:
"You have to do well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."
Little Girl (after some thought):
"What do you have to do to be queen?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes School Jokes

If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".

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Chuck Norris Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Insurance Comedy

A voice inside said to me: ”Calm down, you are not the first doctor who sleeps with his patient!”
And another voice answered: ”but you are a veterinarian!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Veterinarian Jokes

A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor.
"You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"

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Mexican jokes Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s ваlls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing теsтiсlе with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sеx life?” asked the doctor.
“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief.
But then the patient added, “I’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.
“Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water.”
“Hmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully.
“That’s not all,” continued the patient. “When my wife does me оrаlly, she gets heartburn.”
“Hmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened.
“It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an еrестiоn!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urinе sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINЕ SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes