Medical and Doctor Jokes

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked. At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested. Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.
Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean
"This should be taken care of right away."
Meaning: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Well, what do we have here...?"
Meaning: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
Meaning: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Meaning: I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
- Or -
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
Meaning: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Meaning: Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Meaning: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
Meaning: He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Meaning: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Meaning: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Meaning: I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Meaning: Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
Meaning: I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
Meaning: The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Meaning: Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
Meaning: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
Meaning: That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Meaning: I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.
A woman walks into her sеx thearapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have sеx anymore, and asks what to do about it?
The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viаgrа that might do the trick.
She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens.
The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the viаgrа worked, and she and her husband had the best sеx ever.
She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills?
The therapist replies she dosn’t know but says to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist tha the sеx was even better than the night before.
She asks the therapist what whould happen if she gave him five pills?
The therapist once again tells her to give it a try.
The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sеx just keeps getting better and better.
She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle?
The therapists tells her its a new drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle would do to a person.
The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills in her husbands morning coffee.
A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: "Are you the “idiот” who gave my MOTHER a bottle of Viаgrа?"
"Why yes young man I did?"
"Why?"
"Well mom’s dead, my sister’s Pregnant, my A– Hurts, and Dad just sits in the corner going, 'here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty…'”