Irish jokes

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There once were two Irishmen named Раddy and Sean, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. …
…
As fate would have it, Sean would be the first to pass. …
…
Раddy, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. …
…
“Sean,” said Раddy, “can ye hear me?” …
…
Faintly, Sean replied, “Yes, Раddy, I can.”
Bashfully, Раddy started, “Do ye remember our pact, Sean?”
“Yes, I do, Раddy,” Sean strained.
“And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of Irish whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for going on 30 years now?” said Раddy.
“Yes Раddy, I do,” whispered Sean.
“It’s a very old bottle now, ye know,” urged Раddy.
“And what are ye gettin’ at, Раddy?” asked Sean, briskly.
“Well Sean, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?”
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“Bless me father- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, it is.
“And, who was the woman you were with?”
“Sure and I can’t be tellin’ you Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Kelly?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Liz Shannon?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Morgan?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration.
“You’re a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you ”
now!”
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers “well… what’d you get?”
“Three months vacation and five good leads.”
========
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Murphy is stood outside his house when he spots Раddy walking down the street with a strange animal by his side.
“whats that weird looking creature you have there?” he asks
“oooohhh” replies Раddy “this is the fiercest dog in Ireland its called a long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog”
“We’ll see about that ! i have a Rottweiler, a Doberman and a Pit Bull Terrier in the back yard lets put this long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog of yours to the test” Murphy laughs
“I’ll bet you a 100 that my dog can beat all three of them at the same time” says Раddy proudly
So they shake on the bet and go to the back yard where the Rottweiller, Doberman and Pit Bull are growling and barking.
Murphy opens the gate and the long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog walks in. After a few seconds fur is flying and the dogs are screaming, then silence……
They look into the yard to see the long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog stood alone with no trace of the other three dogs apart from some blood and fur around its mouth.
“well you were right Раddy” says Murphy as he’s handing over the ?100
“what did you say it was called again ? a long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog ?”
“Yup” replies Paddy
“but in other parts of the world they call it a Crocodile!”
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Раddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother вrеаsт feeding her baby boy. … Раddy stops to speak to the mother. “That’s what I like to see natural вrеаsт-feeding, I was raised on that.” The young mother tells Раddy to clear off. Раddy continues, “No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby вrеаsт feeding takes me back to me childhood”, he pauses…., “can I try вrеаsт feeding on the other вrеаsт”. …
…
The young mother says again, “Get away with ye, Раddy”. Раddy says convincingly “You’ve got plenty of вrеаsт milk for baby, and he doesn’t need the other вrеаsт.”
The young mother looks and Раddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, “Come over here Раddy and you can get on the other вrеаsт”. Раddy begins suскing on the other вrеаsт. After five minutes or so, the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused. Panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Раddy:
“Раddy ….. is there anything else you want ?”
Paddy asks “err…. Have you got any Farley’s Rusks or a ваngеr?”
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An Irish gypsy man fancies joining the MI5. So he, with his wife, hop in their horse-drawn carriage and hand deliver a job application and await a response. Meanwhile, the gypsy couple set up a temporary campsite in the MI5 car park.
A MI5 agent knocks on their window and invites them in. The gypsy couple are taken into a darkish, wet, secluded basement full of caretaker tools and equipment. One agent takes the gypsy man to one side and tells him he must prove himself. The agent hands him a handgun and tells him to shoot his wife dead. The gypsy man agrees. The two agents leave him to it and wait outside the room.
For the first minute there’s silence. In the second minute, scuffling can be heard. The third minute, noises of choking. The fourth minute - complete silence. The gypsy man exists the room and hands an agent the gun and says:
“Some fecking ваsтаrd forgot to put bullets in the gun, so I had to hang the вiтсh!”
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Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road. Joe thinks, “Hmm…never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely. I’ll go check it out.” In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in the center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone.
He taps the microphone twice and says “42”. Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage.
Another man comes up and yells 68! The crowd laughs louder still! A third man walks up and shouts 12!!
Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, “Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?”
“Well,” says the Manager, “we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke.”
“Ohh,” said Joe. “Am I allowed a go then?”
“Sure!” the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice “168”.
The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks.
After that, he went to the manager and asked, “Why was my joke so funny?”
The manager was still chuckling but he said, “Achh…Well, they haven’t heard that one before!!”
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Раddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said “We sell everything”. Раddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, “Do you really sell everything?” The salesperson said “Yes, everything”.
Thinking this was too good to be true Раddy said “OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?”. The salesperson said “A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back”. Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. “Here you go, one jumper for a chicken”
“How much?” asked Раddy.
“Three quid.” replied the salesperson.
“Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent.” said Раddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a соndом.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the sales person “Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a соndом - what’s going on?”
The salesperson replied, “Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a соск.”
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