Judge and Court Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one... C'est un russe, un québécois et un anglais sur un lac à la pêche. Après un bon moment, le russe sort une bouteille de vodka et en boit un grand coup et jette le reste de la bouteille à l'eau en...
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How Cold Is Cold?
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Неll freezes over, Polar bears move South
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
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Zum vierten mal Verheiratet Männer als Jungfrau gestorben Un ministre épouse une femme qui a déjà été mariée dix fois. Една жена се омъжва за четвърти път. Баба Пена отишла при доктора. C'est l'histoire d'un mec qui vient de se marier. Si pour lui, la vie à deux est une expérience nouvelle, on ne peut pas en dire autant de sa dulcinée qui en est déjà à son cinquième mariage. Mais... Een vrouw van 50 is net getrouwd met haar vierde man en samen liggen ze op het huwelijksbed. "Zul je voorzichtig met me zijn", zegt ze, "ik ben nog maagd." "Hoe kan dat nu?" vraagt haar man, "al 3... Un Abogado se casó con una mujer que ya se había casado anteriormente seis veces. La noche de bodas, en el cuarto del hotel, la novia le dice: - Por favor, mi amor, sé gentil. ¡Mira que todavía soy... Kadın beşinci evliliğini yapmıştır, İlk gece kadının bakire olduğunu gören koca sorar; - Benden önce dört evlilik yapmışsın ama hala bakiresin, bu nasıl olur ? Kadın cevap verir. - İlk kocam... Un abogado se casó con una mujer que ya se había casado 11 veces. La primera noche, en el cuarto del hotel, la novia le dijo: "Por favor, querido, trátame con cuidado. Todavía soy virgen."... Daha önce dört defa evlenmiş olan bir kadın beşinci evliliğini de yapar. Koca sorar; daha önceki evliliklerinde mutlu yaşadın mı? Kadın cevap verir: evet ama ben halen bakireyim. Kocasının meraklı...
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A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
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A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize соw was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the соw. The case was to be tried before the Justice of the Peace in the back room of the General Store.
The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success.
He said to the farmer,
"You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied,
"Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned соw came home this morning!"
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There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food" Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them. The manager said,
"You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said,
"Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Mike and said,
"What do you have to say to that?"
The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him,
"What is the meaning of that?"
The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin,
- "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
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Defense Lawyer's Good News The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news." Adwokat przyszedł na widzenie ze swoim klientem: - Mam dla Pana dwie informacje - dobrą i złą. - To zacznij Pan od złej. - Badania krwi wykazały, że był Pan na miejscu morderstwa. - A ta dobra... Adwokat do klienta: - Mam dla Pana dobrą i złą wiadomość. Analiza DNA wykazała, że na miejscu zbrodni znaleziono Pańską krew. - To źl A ta dobra wiadomość? - Cholesterol i cukier w normie. "Minulla on hyviä uutisia ja huonoja uutisia," puolustusasianajaja kertoi asiakkaalleen. "Ensin huonot uutiset. Veritestin tulokset saapuivat ja teidän DNA sopii täydellisesti sen kanssa mitä... Адвокатот што го застапува Трпе му вели: - За тебе имам и добра и лоша вест. - Ајде прво лошата. - Крвта што ти ја земаа за анализа, одговара со крвта најдена на местото на злосторството. - Е што е... Státní zástupce u soudu hovoří k obžalovanému: „Máme pro vás, pane obžalovaný, dvě zprávy. Jednu špatnou a jednu dobrou. Kterou chcete slyšet první?” „Tak nejprve raději tu špatnou.” „Dobře. Tak ta... - Van egy rossz, meg egy jó hírem. mondja a védőügyvéd kliensének. - A vérvizsgálat kimutatta, hogy maga követte el a bűncselekményt. - Ajjaj! És mi a jó hír, ügyvéd úr? - Hogy alacsony a...
Judge and Court Jokes
Прокурорът към обвиняемата: Una mujer estaba en un juicio cuando el fiscal le pregunta: ¿ Después de haber envenenado a su esposo, no le dio remordimiento? Sí, cuando me pidió otro plato de guiso. The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defence attorney knew he had his work...
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