Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Happy Valentine's Day.

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A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.
He asks his father for advice.
The father replies:
"My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.
Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl:
"Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"
Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card.
He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question:
"If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Dating Jokes Philosophy Jokes

A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.
The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.
The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid.
"Is this really your grandmother?"
"Yes. She visits every Christmas!"
"Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists.
"At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."

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Christmas Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Aviation Jokes Grandparent Jokes

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of вееr. I’d like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that."
"Why not" asked the customer?
"Because that’s my husband."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Beer Jokes

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that dамn gun..."

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Church jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Priest Jokes

Once upon time, there were three friends playing on a beach. One kid's parents were good business people. The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders. The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father.
Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water. They saw a man drowning and all raced to save him. As they pulled the man to shore they realized it was Obama. The president then said, "Thank you kids for saving me! I'll give you each one wish!" The first kid said he wanted a helicopter. The second kid wished for some money. And the redneck asked for a wheel chair. Obama, concerned, asked why the poor boy wouldn't want some money for his family. The kid replied, "'Cause when pap finds out what I've done, I ain't gonna be walking for a pretty long time."

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Friendship Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Old People Jokes Political Jokes American Presidents Humor

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

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Baby Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?
A: A snowmobile!

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Baby Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Little Johnny's brother, Little Jimmy, was in the toilet throwing Johnny's toys in the toilet.
Johnny saw his brother doing this and yelled "JIMMY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
His brother replied "Next time you'll think twice before you don't let me play with you."
Little Jimmy threw a toy car in the toilet and said "Bye bye, racecars!"
Little Johnny stuck little Jimmy head in the toilet saying "Bye bye brother!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes

Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it.
Why?
Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sеx.
No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Once a teacher asked one of her students to memorize the numbers from 1-10.
And that night when he was memorizing he saw his mother drinking 7up, so the next day the teacher asked the student to say the numbers that he memorized so he replied," 1-2-3-4-5-6-8-9-10".
The teacher was confused so she asked the student," Where is the 7" so he said," my mom drank it last night!"

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Math Jokes

"I'm going to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. But it is just a formality."
"Who told you that?"
"Gynecologist."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Gynecology Jokes

I live like a medieval knight.
Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.
Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
There be any "we" in the first place."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

An Irishman is really, really drunк, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home.
When he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face.
So he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

"I'd like to seek divorce. My wife hasn't spoken with me more than half year."
"Are you sтuрid? It's a dream of every man."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church.
He got colt feet.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Church jokes

There is a lady laying in bed.
At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says ”That’s the fат pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.”
His wife gets a confused look on her face and states ”but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep.”
Her husband says ”Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!”

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Animal Jokes Fat Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!"
"Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?"
"She's 19."
"That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!"
"Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Good jokes