Military Jokes

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At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction."Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes School Jokes Aviation Jokes Military Jokes American Presidents Humor
A man is away on business, at a convention for marvellous machines.
He found a long corridor lined with machines and decided to try a few. The first he came to was called ''The Wonder Cut''. He inserted his money and did as he was told to do by the instructions. He lay back in the chair and after a few minutes the machine stopped and he hopped out of the chair, with the best hair cut he had ever had. Further down the corridor he came to a machine that said, 'For the best shave every insert here'', so he inserted his money in and place his face in the slot. And sure enough his face had the best shave he had ever had. He walked on down the corridor until he came to the last machine. It said ''for the man who has been away from his wife for a long time and is in dire need.. The rest of the words were rubbed of but he got the general idea. He made sure no one was looking and inserted his money, undid his fly and placed his ''thing'' in the hole. The machine rumbled and after a few minutes of extreme pain he withdrew his thing from the hole with a new shiny button neatly sewed on the end.
Men vs Women Jokes Military Jokes
Men vs Women Jokes Military Jokes
Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack and Jill's backyard.
They suddenly materialize inside the couple's house and address them: ''We come in peace. We want to find out how you humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners." Being ex-theater majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesistation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien's tenticle and leads him off into another room. Immediately, the male alien starts to sтriр down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature's shrunken, раsтy, yellow, nакеd body before her, gasps and says, ''Gee, that's a really teenie wееniе." ''Actually, I come in all sizes." With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his thighs, and magically, his реnis pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That's outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?" "No problemo," assurres the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, "boing," his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo," blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating. After about a three hour romp, Jill and Mr. Spaceman (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen.Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill, "How did it go in there?'' Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy s**t-eating grin and sings, ''That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sеx I have ever had. No offense. By the way, how'd it go with Ms. Universe over there?" "Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half."
Men vs Women Jokes Military Jokes Alien Jokes
Bill Clinton Jokes Military Jokes American Presidents Humor
Los barcos y el naufrago pidiendo ayuda πιστη στο θεο Θεϊκή παρέμβαση Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Un curé qui se promène dans la nature est pris dans les sables mouvants. Alors qu'il s'enfonce jusqu'au aux chevilles, un camion de pompiers passe par là. Един човек бил много вярващ. Уповавал се на Бог за всичко. В селото, в което живеел, завалял проливен дъжд. Реката придошла, излязла от коритото си и заляла улиците. Хората започнали да се спасяват кой както може! Само вярващия човек седял пред прага на къщата си и си повтарял: "Бог ще ми... Станало голямо наводнение. Водата започнала да нахлува в сградите. В една къща набожен човек стоял се молел на Господ да го спаси. Водата стигнала до първия етаж. Докато човекът се молел, покрай къщата му минал друг човек с лодка и му викнал: - Качвай се в лодката и да се спасяваме! Набожният... Un curé est en train de se noyer au milieu d'un fleuve. Par chance, il passe une péniche qui lui envoie une corde : "Accrochez vous, mon père!" lui lance le batelier. Le curé répond "je vous remercie mon, fils, mais je fais confiance à Dieu pour me sauver". Le curé est toujours en train de se... Ein Mann wurde ins freie Meer geworfen. Kommt ein Boot vorbei. Kapitän: "Soll ich dich retten?" Mann: "Nein, Gott wird mir schon helfen!" Nach einer Weile kommt ein weiteres Boot. Kapitän: "Soll... Rencontre avec Dieu Un homme veut mourir en s'enfonçant dans les sables mouvants, mais des pompiers viennent le chercher : "Monsieur, nous allons vous tirer de là." "Non, je veux que Dieu me... Uma pequena cidade do interior estava enfrentando uma enchente, cada vez mais o nível do rio estava subindo, então resolveram evacuar a cidade. Levaram toda a população embora, menos o padre que... so theres this christian man and hes on top of his roof, because hes getting floded, the water is up to his ankles, and he prays to god. man: please god, please can you save me. ten minuets later a... A man was drowning and asked God to help him. A boat came by wanting to help the man. The man refused and said that God would save him. The man drowned and went to heaven. He asked God why... A priest is drowning in a river… A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.” The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said... Er was eens een man die het oerwoud in wilde. Dus ging hij op een dag het oerwoud in. Toen hij daar eindelijk aangekomen was, bleef hij vastzitten in het drijfzand. Hij zei: "Geen paniek, God helpt... Powódź w prowincjonalnym miasteczku. Ewakuacja ludności. Wojsko puka do kaplicy: - Proszę księdza, niech ksiądz ucieka! Ksiądz się utopi! - Nigdzie nie idę, wierzę w Opatrzność Boską. Po trzech... Det var en gång två män som hette Frank och Peter.. En dag så blev det Översvämmning och deras vägar var dränkta.. Så kom Peter med en kanot till Franks hus och sa - Kom ut därifrån du kommer... Een man staat tot z'n knieen in het water, komt er een speetboot aan en stopt even om de man uit het water te halen. Zegt de man in het water: "Nee, dat hoeft niet want god komt mij redden." Poosje... C'est un croyant qui est dans le sable mouvant:il en a jusqu'aux genoux les pompiers viennent il dit "Dieu va me sauver". Il en a jusqu'au torse les pompiers reviennent, il dit "Dieu va me sauver".... Un calugarul cade in mare. Apare imediat o barca cu salvamari: - Va simtiti bine? Aveti nevoie de ajutor?! - Nuu! Dumnezeu ma va salva el pe mine... Mai inghite calugarul niste apa ... Si mai vine... C'est un curé qui est en train de se noyer dans un lac. Les pompiers arrivent et veulent le sauver mais le curé dit "Dieu me sauvera". Donc les pompiers rentre a la caserne mais leur chef  les... Habia un hombre que se cayo al mar y se estaba ahogando aparece un barco y le dice dale subi y el hombre dice no a mi me va a salvar dios aparece otro barco y le dice lo mismo y el hombre dice no a... Egy pap fuldoklik a folyóban. Arra megy egy gátőr és felé nyújt egy hosszú rudat. - Fogja meg, kihúzom! - Nem, köszönöm, az Isten majd segít! - Fogja már meg, kihúzom!- erősködik a gátőr. - Hagyja... En präst håller på att drunkna i havet och en båt kör förbi. De på båten frågar: - Vill du ha hjälp? Prästen svarar: - Nej tack, Gud kommer att rädda mig. Båten kör förbi och efter ett tack kör en... Un cura seva ala selva y caen en arenas mobedizas biene un bombero y le dice señor necesita ayuda no¡ dios me salbara.... luego viene otro vombero i le dice señor neesita ayuda i dice no¡ dios me... A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says, "I have faith, God will save me." The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue...
Religion jokes God Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Stupid Jokes Military Jokes
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”
Donald Trump Jokes Internet Jokes Military Jokes American Presidents Humor
Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Military Jokes Fart Jokes Dog jokes
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my реnis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's реnis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."
След разпадането на СССР в Америка рязко се понижило количеството на враговете. The Three Generals La Marine américaine avait un excédent d’hommes et a offert un programme d’incitation à la retraite. Поради излишък на моряци, американският флот създал програма стимулираща пенсионирането. Трем пентагоновским генералам начисляют пенсию. A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. There's 3 army generals and the government decides to pay them any way they want measured. First guy says measure from the tip of my toe to the end of my finger. So they do and its 73 inches so they pay him $730,000. The second guy does the same and gets paid $650,000. The third guy goes measure... Im Senat der Vereinigten Staaten wurde darüber diskutiert, ob denn nicht zu viele Generäle beschäftigt wären und man kam zu dem Schluss, eine Vorruhestandsregelung der folgenden Art einzuführen: Jeder General, der sich bereit erklärt, in den Vorruhestand zu gehen, bekommt eine anständige... Der amerikanische Verteidigungsminister beschließt, aufgrund einer Sparmaßnahme die drei dienstältesten Generäle zu entlassen. Er bestellt die drei Herren ins Pentagon und macht ihnen folgendes... Het Pentagon vond dat het te veel generaals in dienst had en besliste er een paar met vervroegd pensioen te sturen. Ze beloofden elke generaal die pensioneerde een volledig jaarinkomen en alle... O Pentágono descobre que está com muitos generais e bola um programa de aposentadoria voluntária. Como incentivo, decidiram dar 10 mil dólares por polegada medida numa linha entre dois pontos... USA’s flotta insåg att man hade för många officerare och beslöt sig för att locka med en avgångsbonus på $1000 för varje tum som man kunde mäta i en rät linje mellan två olika kroppsdelar.... Hæren har for nylig fundet ud af, at de har for mange generaler og har derfor tilbudt dem et "gyldent håndtryk". De har lovet enhver general, der trækker sig tilbage med det samme: En årsløn PLUS... Pentagonissa havaittiin, että armeijalla on liikaa kenraaleita, ja siksi jokaiselle vapaaehtoisesti eläkkeelle jäävälle tarjottiin erillistä bonusta. Bonuksen määrä saatiin siten, että kenraali sai... Drie Amerikaanse leger generaals gaan tegelijkertijd met pensioen, hun pensioen wordt uitgekeerd op de volgende manier: een lichaamsdeel tot een ander lichaamsdeel in cm en dat maal 5000 euro. De... A Pentagon elhatározza, hogy három magasrangú és hőstettekben nem szűkölködő tábornokát kitünteti. Ezúttal nem egyszerűen egy újabb éremmel, hanem pénzzel kívánják elismerni érdemeiket. Össze is... Resursele umane de la Pentagon descopera ca in ultima vreme aveau cam multi generali. Se hotaraste ca acelora care vor sa se pensioneze sa li se acorde pensionare anticipata cu toate facilitatile,... Tous sont des hommes âgés et grisonnants qui ont vu leur juste part de guerre, alors le Pentagone propose un système de bonus unique pour leur service. Ils peuvent choisir deux points de leur corps... Vláda se rozhodla, že vyplatí doživotní rentou vojenské veteráný bojující ve Vietnamu. Zašla proto za prvními třemi veterány. Renta se počítala tak, že každý veterán si zvolí dvě libovolné části... Az USA hadserege nyugdíjba vonulása alkalmából három tábornokot kíván megjutalmazni. Arra kérik őket, hogy adjanak meg tetszőlegesen két testrész között egy távolságot, azt lemérik és... Cierto día el Pentágono decide jubilar a tres generales que ya estaban bien entrados en anos proponiéndoles como contrapartida 100,000 dls. por cada metro que midiese entre dos partes de sus... V Rusku propouštějí do civilu staré vojáky. Výšku odstupného jim vypočítají tak, že si každý zvolí 2 části na těle, oni změří délku mezi nimi a podle toho vyplatí odstupné. Přijdou k prvnímu a ten...
Military Jokes