Relationship Jokes

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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.
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Пуснах обява, че си търся жена. Пощата ми се задръсти с писма - пишат ми все мъже и всеки казва: Un tipo publica un aviso en el periódico diciendo: "Busco Esposa". Al otro día recibe cientos de cartas, pero todas ellas de hombres y con el mismo mensaje: "Le regalo la mía" Un uomo mette un annuncio sul giornale: “Cercasi moglie”. Il giorno dopo riceve centinaia di lettere. Dicono tutte: “Prenditi pure la mia!”. Facet dał ogłoszenie do gazety "Szukam żony". Jeszcze tego samego dnia otrzymał mnóstwo odpowiedzi. Zdecydowana Większość zaczynała się słowami "Weź pan moją". Emilia satte in en annons. – Önskas: make. Hon fick över hundra svar – alla med samma budskap: - Ta min. Laatst heb ik een zoekertje geplaatst om een vrouw te vinden….. Hierop heb ik 200 reacties van mannen gekregen, allen met de opmerking dat ik hun vrouw mocht hebben. En single mand satte en kontaktannonce i avisen med teksten: Kone søges. Dagen efter modtog han flere hundrede breve - alle med det samme svar: Du må meget gerne få min. En mand havde indrykket en kontaktannonce med teksten: “Kone søges..” Næste dag modtog han flere hundrede breve med posten. Der stod det samme i dem alle: “Du kan få min…” Anuntul meu la matrimoniale "Caut sotie" a avut un succes nebun. Am primit mii de raspunsuri: "Alege-o pe-a mea!".
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В час по зоология, учителят взима чаша вода и пуска вътре един червей. Решила учителката да покаже на децата вредното влияние на алкохола. Събрала ги в класната стая и взела в една ръка купичка пълна с водка, а в другата един червей. Топнала тя червея във водката, а той се сгърчил и умрял. Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now,... Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol. He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up &... Un tipo muy borracho tenía cita con el médico, el cual le intentaba demostrar que beber mucho alcohol era malo para su salud. Así que al doctor se le ocurrió mostrarle un ejemplo con una lombriz. Primero la mete en un vaso con agua y la saca totalmente viva. Pero cuando la mete en un vaso con... ... Sermón Dominical !! El Pastor, decide mostrar ejemplos concretos para Ilustrar su homilía dominical. Para ello, pone cuatro lombríces en... 4 frascos : - La primer lombriz en un frasco de... Toca hacer experimento en la clase de ciencias naturales. Ponen cuatro lombrices en cuatro tubos de ensayo, y llenan cada uno con un líquido diferente: El primero lo llenan con cerveza. El segundo... приносит(у)чительница на урок две колбы.в одной вода, в другой... Würmer mögen keinen Alkohol Le petit Sylvain vient de se faire prendre par son papa en train de boire de l'alcool en cachette. Το κήρυγμα Πείραμα χημείας Un insegnante di scienze colloca quattro vermi in quattro provette distinte: Il 1º nella birra Il 2ª nel vino Il 3ª in whisky di 12 anni Il 4 ° in acqua minerale Il giorno dopo, l'insegnante mostra... Um professor de química queria alertar os alunos sobre o mal que as bebidas alcoólicas fazem e fez uma experiência em sala de aula, usando um copo de água, um copo de cerveja e dois vermes. — Eu vou colocar um verme na água — disse ele, pegando um dos vermes — E vocês vão ver que nada vai... Quatro lombrigas são colocadas em quatro tubos de ensaio separados: A primeira lombriga em álcool, a segunda lombriga em fumo de cigarro, a terceira em esperma e a quarta em terra natural. No dia... Pani od przyrody robi eksperyment z robakami. Wkłada 1 robaka do szklanki i nalewa alkoholu. - Robak zdechł. Wkłada 2 robaka i nasypuje tytoniu - robak zdechł... Wkłada 3 robaka do szklanki ze... Een prof chemie wil zijn studenten laten zien dat alcohol een nadelige invloed heeft op het algemeen anabolisme van de mens, en dus besluit hij, tijdens één van de practica, een speciale... Alkohol En afholdsprædikant mente, at han havde fundet et effektivt nummer til sine opbyggelige foredrag, og det skulle nu prøves af i forsamlingshuset i Nr. Snede. Midt i sin dystre... Egyetemi biológia előadáson a professzor az alkohol káros hatását demonstrálja. Fog egy poharat, megtölti vízzel, míg egy másikat whiskey-vel. Aztán egy gyufásskatulyából elővesz két gilisztát, az... Un preot vrea sa arate Enoriasilor exemple ilustrate ale pacatelor, asa ca Duminica, inainte de slujba pune patru limbrici in patru Vase: primul limbric intr-un vas cu alcool, al doilea limbric...
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Жените умеят да имитират оргазъм в името на връзката, но мъжете умеят да имитират връзка в името на оргазма Жените могат да симулират оргазъм, но мъжете могат да симулират цяла любовна връзка!!! Роза имитирует оргазм, шоб иметь серьёзные отношения с Яшей. А Яша имитирует серьёзные отношения, шоб иметь оргазм с Розой.
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Наблюденията на един опитен потребител. Señor Encargado de Soporte Técnico: Hace un año y medio cambié de la versión Novia 7.0 a Esposa 1.0 y he observado que el programa inició un proceso inesperado de subrutina llamado Hijo, que me... Ein besorgter User schreibt: WIFE 1.0 Dear .... Tech Support! Sistema Operacional MS Mulher: Apesar de recomendações em contrário, um amigo resolveu fazer upgrade de Namorada 5.0 para Esposa 1.0. Depois de alguns dias de lua-de-mel com o novo software,... Bästa IT support! Förra året uppgraderade jag från Flickvän 7.0 till Hustru 1.0. Så fort jag hade installerat programmet märkte jag att det började kräva att jag skulle installera Barn 1.1, 1.2 och...
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- Защо ураганите ги наричат все с ​​женски имена? - Знаете ли какво е общото между жената и торнадото ? И жените и торнадото започват с духане а после ти отнасят къщата ... Каква е приликата между блондинката и торнадото? Women and Bad Weather Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women? Q: How are women and tornadoes alike? A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they go. ¿Por qué los huracanes en su mayoría tienen nombres de mujeres? ¿Por qué los huracanes tienen nombre de mujer? Porque cuando llegan son salvajes y mojados, y cuando se van, se llevan la casa y el auto. maestra porque a los huracanes les ponen nombre de mujer? porque cuando se enojan se llevan todo casa carro, los muebles los corotos, los muchachos y todo lo que puedan ¿ En qué se parecen las mujeres a los huracanes? En que llegan fuertes y salvajes y se van con tu carro y tu casa. Unterschied zwischen Frauen und Taifunen Was haben Frauen und Tornados gemeinsam: Was haben eine Frau und ein Hurricane gemeinsam? Beide kommen warm und feucht, und wenn sie verschwinden nehmen sie Haus und Auto mit. Was haben Frauen und Orkane gemeinsam? Sie sind heiß und feucht, wenn sie kommen. Und wenn sie gehen, nehmen sie Häuser und Autos mit. Was haben Frauen und Orkane gemeinsam ?? Es fängt mit einem Blasen an, und dann ist das Haus weg. Quelle est le point commun entre une femme et un ouragan? Pourquoi les tornades ont toujours des noms de filles? Parce qu'elles arrivent chaudes et humides et repartent avec ta maison et ta voiture. Pourquoi les ouragans ont-ils tous des noms de femmes ? Car quand ça arrive, c'est chaud et humide, et quand ça repart, ça emporte ta voiture et ta maison ! Γιατί όλοι οι τυφώνες έχουν θηλυκό όνομα; Τι κοινό έχει το τσουνάμι με το μουνί? Έρχονται και τα δύο ζεστά και υγρά και φεύγουν με αμάξι και σπίτι. Perché gli uragani hanno nomi femminili? Perché quando arrivano sono bagnati e scatenati, e quando se ne vanno si prendono la casa e la macchina. Perchè i più grandi tornado hanno il nome di donna? Perchè quando arrivano sono caldi e umidi... e quando se ne vanno, si portano via tutto, anche la casa e la macchina! - Чому урагани називають жіночими іменами? - Спочатку - загадкові і непередбачувані, а потім забирають будинки і машини. Sabe porque que mulher é igual a tsunami? R: Porque quando vem vem cheia de onda, e quando vai leva casa, carro, dinheiro... Dlaczego kobieta podobna jest do huraganu? - Bo wprawdzie najpierw jest ciepła i wilgotna, ale później zabiera ci dom i samochód... Varför döper man tornados efter kvinnor? De dyker inte upp så ofta, men när de gör det för de ett jäkla oväsen och när de går så tar de halva huset med sig. - Varför ger man tropiska orkaner kvinnonamn? - Det är för att de är vilda och våta när de kommer. Och när de försvinner tar de med sig bilen och huset... Varför är alla orkaner uppkallade efter kvinnor? - Eftersom de båda är våta och vilda när de kommer och så tar de både hus och bil med sig när de går! Waarom hebben orkanen meestal vrouwelijke namen? - Ze komen meestal nat en krachtig aanzetten, houden je een tijdje bezig en zijn uiteindelijk met je huis en je auto weg !! Hvorfor får orkaner altid pige navne? – Når de kommer er de våde og vilde og når de går tager de hus og bil med sig… Opkaldt efter kvinder Hvorfor er alle orkaner opkaldt efter kvinder? – Fordi de er våde og vilde når de kommer, og så tager de både hus og bil med sig når de går! Hva er likheten mellom jenter og orkaner? - Våte og ville i begynnelsen men tar med seg hus og bil når de drar.. Miksi hirmumyrskyille annetaan naisten nimet? - Ne saapuvat villeinä ja märkinä, mutta lähtevät mukanaan talot, autot ja irtain omaisuus. Kāpēc viesuļvētras sauc sieviešu vārdos? - Iesākumā tās ir noslēpumainas un neprognozējamas, pēc tam paņem mājas un mašīnas
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Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sеx though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sеx whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets nакеd and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sеx with her. The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets nакеd, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily. Her husband comes out and exclaims, "Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an аsshоlе!"
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.” The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.” The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor. “She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We're getting a new kitchen.”
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A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,

Mom
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